


professor you've made a mistake (modern chat fic)

by myecstasyisfullofhate



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Discord Au, Felix needs love, Fluff, Group chat, High School, Multi, Spoilers, Spoilers for Cindered Shadows, chat fic, edelgard and yuri are best friends, i repeat probably a lot of triggering stuff so please be careful, kinda?? i guess, more to be added if i feel like it lmao, no beta we die like Glenn, non binary my unit, probably a lot of triggering stuff referenced to be careful, sothis is now rhea's grandkid, the gays rule this land
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22853491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myecstasyisfullofhate/pseuds/myecstasyisfullofhate
Summary: king of meme: anyw I invited professor bylethshampoo??? whom??: ??????????shampoo??? whom??: WHATking of meme: idk they always seem lonelyking of meme: plus it's not like they're a boomer or anythingEagle 1: I agree with Claude. I believe that it's a good opportunity for us to bond with our teacher.shampoo??? whom??: I guess soshampoo??? whom??: can someone please change my name so I'm not embarrassed when they joinking of meme: you're an admin do it yourselfshampoo??? whom??: I don't know how to-----------------------------------------------just a shitposty fanfic featuring the students of garreg machANGST CHAPTERS: 3, 7(partially)
Relationships: Balthazar von Adalbrecht | Balthus von Albrecht/Holst Goneril, Caspar von Bergliez/Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert, Catherine/Shamir Nevrand, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Gatekeeper/My Unit | Byleth, Hapi/Lysithea von Ordelia, Ingrid Brandl Galatea/Mercedes von Martritz, Jeralt Reus Eisner/Rhea, Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril, Yuris Leclair | Yuri Leclerc/Bernadetta von Varley
Comments: 138
Kudos: 386





	1. HAHA DAB

**Author's Note:**

> Figured I'd leave everyone's names here so you don't get confused lol  
> (p.s: this is just the 3 houses and byleth I'll tell u the rest later on)  
> (p.p.s: also the house leaders are admins but dorothea actually owns it)  
> \------------------------------------  
> Byleth: teaching 101  
> Claude: king of meme  
> Hilda: queen of meme  
> Leonie: jewalt senpai  
> Ignatz: iggle piggle  
> Raphael: CHONK  
> Lorenz: L.Gloucester  
> Lysithea: dxrkspikest  
> Marianne: Marianne <3333  
> Edelgard: Eagle 1  
> Dorothea: Eagle 2  
> Hubert: Hubert  
> Ferdinand: I AM  
> Petra: Brigid Pride  
> Caspar: short king mama ayy  
> Linhardt: bedtime  
> Bernadetta: bernie  
> Dimitri: shampoo??? whom??  
> Sylvain: ayyy  
> Felix: stabby boi  
> Mercedes: team mom  
> Annette: babey owo  
> Ashe: cinnamon roll  
> Dedue: the plant...  
> Ingrid: Galatea_Riding

** #leaders **

_22/02/20- 6:30pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: ok they gave me their tag after class

shampoo??? whom??: who is this?

Eagle 1: Dimitri, have you really not changed your name?

shampoo??? whom??: claude set it and I found it funny

king of meme: hell yeah you did

king of meme: anyw I sent the invite 

Eagle 1: Claude, I'm afraid we have no idea who you're referring to.

king of meme: don't you guys read the 4am chat

shampoo??? whom??: I'm usually asleep

Eagle 1: ^^

Eagle 1: You really should sleep more, Claude.

king of meme: shush

king of meme: anyw I invited professor byleth

shampoo??? whom??: ??????????

shampoo??? whom??: WHAT

king of meme: idk they always seem lonely

king of meme: plus it's not like they're a boomer or anything

Eagle 1: I agree with Claude. I believe that it's a good opportunity for us to bond with our teacher.

shampoo??? whom??: I guess so

shampoo??? whom??: can someone please change my name so I'm not embarrassed when they join

king of meme: you're an admin do it yourself

shampoo??? whom??: I don't know how to

shampoo??? whom??: claude? are you doing it?

shampoo??? whom??: claude?

** #general **

_22/02/20- 8:02pm_

_\-----------------_

- _**teaching 101** is here to kick butt and chew bubblegum. And **teaching 101**_ _is all out of gum._

queen of meme: lol who dis

bernie: ahh! new people!

bernie: pleasedon'thurtmeI'monlyherebecauseeveryoneelseis

teaching 101: Don't worry, Bernadetta! It's Professor Byleth. Claude told me about this server and thought it would be a good opportunity for us to bond. I look forward to getting to know you outside of class. :)

bernie: oh! okay!

team mom: Professor! It's wonderful to have you join us!

shampoo??? whom??: hello professor. it's good to have you here.

teaching 101: thanks, Mercedes. shampoo, I'm afraid I have no clue about who you are.

shampoo??? whom??: it's Dimitri, Professor. I want to change my name but I haven't a clue how to.

iggle piggle: you go to your profile picture at the bottom right of the screen and then click on it

shampoo??? whom??: but when i change it this one doesn't change?

shampoo??? whom??: only my name in dms?

Eagle 2: Dimitri, dear, let me do it. Do you want the same as your current tag?

shampoo??? whom??: yes please

Eagle 2: Ok i changed it.

D.A.B: thank you, dorothea.

teaching 101: You poor thing. Claude is going to rip you to shreds.

D.A.B: ??

king of meme: HAHA DAB

teaching 101: as expected

teaching 101: anyway, I'm afraid I won't be online much because of work. I'm going to go mark your papers now. just as a little secret, so far the only person who's gotten an A is Lysithea.

teaching 101: and linhardt, next time, please write more than 3 sentences.

bedtime: I was sleeping

queen of meme: anyw so uhh

queen of meme: is it time to roast Dimitri now or?

team mom: Oh my! Please don't be too mean!

jewalt senpai: HAHA DAB

D.A.B: What's even funny about dabbing?

ayyy: it's like

ayyy: the most popular meme ever

D.A.B: Since when was dabbing a meme? I don't see what's funny about applying something by pressing it against something.

dxrkspikest: you poor child

king of meme: big words coming from you

dxrkspikest: i will cut off your dick

king of meme: :(

Brigid Pride: I am not having the understanding? What is a 'dab?'

babey owo: petra dm me

babey owo: i will enlighten you

queen of meme: Annette doing the god's work

babey owo: >:)

cinnamon roll: before anyone else bullies dimitri

cinnamon roll: I got to ask

cinnamon roll: what did you guys get for question 6?

Hubert: why should I tell you?

jewalt senpai: 17

dxrkspikest: 17

L.Gloucester: 17

bedtime: 17

cinnamon roll: oh! thank goodness! I was so worried that i got it wrong.

short king mama ayy: uh

short king mama ayy: i got 274.892

bedtime: what did you even do

short king mama ayy: don't ask

CHONK: if it makes you feel better, I got steak

iggle piggle: i remember that time in elementary when instead of an essay you just wrote the word steak 50 times

CHONK: truly the peak of my success

Hubert: You're all idiots.

I AM: At least I'm not obsessed with Edelgard

dxrkspikest: doubt

Eagle 2: doubt

king of meme: doubt

queen of meme: doubt

ayyy: doubt

Eagle 1: ...

Eagle 1: Doubt.

I AM: fuck you all

** #deersquad **

_22/02/20- 9.16pm_

_\-----------------_

queen of meme: yo mari

Marianne <3333: um hi hilda

Marianne <3333: did i bother you earlier?

queen of meme: oh no not that

queen of meme: i just wanted to know if you'd like to go for tea again tomorrow?

Marianne <3333: um ok

Marianne <3333: when?

queen of meme: uh

queen of meme: lemme check my schedule

Marianne <3333: okay!

Marianne <3333: just send it in dm when you're ready, i have no classes

queen of meme: this is dm??

queen of meme: WAIT

king of meme: red-handed

queen of meme: shush we're just friends

queen of meme: let's move to dm's mari. sorry if claude spooked u lol

Marianne <3333: um ok!

** @queen of meme <\--> @king of meme **

_22/02/20- 9.19pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: mari

queen of meme: i will chop off your toes

** #blackeagles **

_22/02/20- 9.26pm_

_\-----------------_

Eagle 2: hey babe

Eagle 1: Dorothea, this isn't dms. 

Eagle 2: ik dummy

Eagle 2: you were gnna tell them about ur plan.

Eagle 1: Oh! Of Course!

Eagle 1: Black Eagles! Assemble! @everyone

Eagle 2: you know I'm here, Edie <3

Hubert: Here.

I AM: Ferdinand Von Aegir is present!

Brigid Pride: I am here! _dabs_

bedtime: oh no

short king mama ayy: Claude got her

bernie: uhhh wasn't it Annette this time?

bedtime: claude started it

bedtime: anyway what do you want you woke me up from my nap

Eagle 1: I have a suggestion.

Eagle 1: As you all know, the Professor is now in the chat. And i trust that they will keep troublemakers in line.

Eagle 2: claude

Eagle 1: Claude. Anyway, I think that with the Professor there, another Smash Tourney wouldn't be as disastrous. It would be a good way for us to bond and- with a little bit of rigging- could help get some of our resident pining idiots to confess.

Hubert: I have no interest in such things.

Eagle 1: Hubert.

Hubert: If you insist.

Eagle 2: anyw edit who are these pining idiots you speak of?

short king mama ayy: you two a month ago

Eagle 1: Your days are fucking numbered.

Eagle 1: Anyway, _I am_ not sure who _I am_ referring to in all honesty. I'm sure _Hubert_ has no clue either in honesty.

bedtime: subtle

I AM: I agree! I do not think anyone else is pining, and I certainly am not.

Eagle 2: Doubt.

I AM: :(

Brigid Pride: I am having the confusion. What does doing the Smash have to do with trees?

Hubert: ...

Hubert: My eyes are scarred.

Eagle 2: hubie, be nice. petra, DM me dear. i'll explain the details.

Brigid Pride: I have gratitude.

Eagle 1: Anyway, it is getting quite late, so I will tell the others in the morning. In the meantime, have a good Friday Night and don't forget to lab your combos!

bedtime: finally I can sleep

bernie: I am going to end you all.

Eagle 2: ???

Hubert: Unexpected.

bernie: sorry

bernie: im just passionate about smash.

** #bluelions **

_22/02/20- 11:00pm_

_\-----------------_

ayyy: is any1 on

Galatea_Riding: Yep.

stabby boi: no

ayyy: felixxxx

ayyy: did it hurt when you fell from heaven

stabby boi: fuck off

Galatea_Riding: That's gay

ayyy: shot down again

ayyy: by two people

ayyy: new record ;)

Galatea_Riding: I can't believe my gran lost her medal.

ayyy: I'm gonna kill myself

stabby boi: go ahead

Galatea_Riding: rip

Galatea_Riding: @everyone

Galatea_Riding: Who's on?

the plant...: I am. I am messaging Dimitri about his crush.

Galatea_Riding: ??????????

ayyy: Dimitri has a crush????????

ayyy: tea

the plant...: He has told me not to tell anyone who it is.

D.A.B: but you have just told everyone that i have one

D.A.B: when i didn't want you to

D.A.B: thanks dedue

the plant...: that was for the weeds.

stabby boi: oh lord

ayyy: yo ur highness

ayyy: we're friends right

D.A.B: no, sylvain, i will not tell you who it is.

ayyy: why not

D.A.B: because you can't be trusted.

ayyy: :(

** @Galatea_Riding<\----> @ayyy **

_22/02/20- 11:12pm_

_\-----------------_

Galatea_Riding: I'll get it out of Dimitri if you admit that you have a crush on Felix

ayyy: i don't lol

Galatea_Riding: you literally cried for two hours after he refused to live with you in Minecraft.

ayyy: i get lonely

Galatea_Riding: I know that you're the one who stole his hoodie last movie night

ayyy: blocked

_@Galatea_Riding, your message could not be sent to this user._

** #bluelions **

_22/02/20- 11:16pm_

_\-----------------_

Galatea_Riding: Tell Sylvain to unblock me or I'll leak what he did last movie night.

babey owo: WAS HE THE ONE WHO PISSED IN THE POPCORN

D.A.B: i thought we all agreed that was Ferdinand

Galatea_Riding: poor guy

babey owo: we should recruit him sometime

stabby boi: ?

stabby boi: not more people please

babey owo: silence mortal

stabby boi: sorry

D.A.B: what do you mean by recruit?

babey owo: yk how claude and hilda are like

babey owo: turning petra into a meme

babey owo: we turn ferdie into a lion

ayyy: i am Ferdinand von lion

Galatea_Riding: he unblocked me

ayyy: Felix took my phone

Galatea_Riding: why are u with Felix?

ayyy: watching the animal crossing direct

ayyy: i'm buying him the switch for his birthday

babey owo: gay

stabby boi: please don't mock me

stabby boi: or i will kill your minecraft dogs

ayyy: i'm gonna cry;

D.A.B: Unfortunately, I don't think Ferdinand has what it takes to be a Blue Lion. After all, we don't repeat our name every three seconds like a 6 year old who just learnt their first word

Galatea_Riding: don't come for his wig like that damn

babey owo: how old do you think babies have to be to speak?

ayyy: he's speaking from experience

Galatea_Riding: anyw aside from that he has all the qualities

Galatea_Riding: He's noble and chivalrous, and only ever looks to help others.

stabby boi: he's also gay

Galatea_Riding: that too

ayyy: i ship him w/ hubert

babey owo: spicy

Galatea_Riding: I ship Dimitri with his mysterious crush

D.A.B: :(

** #4AM **

_23/02/20- 4:20am_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: HAHA LOOK AT THE TIME

ayyy: kys

king of meme: wow

king of meme: that's the first time 

ayyy: first time for what

king of meme: someone else has sent on this channel

teaching 101: You need help, Claude.

king of meme: teach???? it's 4am????

teaching 101: i was marking

teaching 101: and i could say the same 2 u

ayyy: That's incorrect grammar, Professor.

teaching 101: pardon my language

teaching 101: but fuck off

teaching 101: I gave up all hope

king of meme: what happened

teaching 101: only 4 people got A's

teaching 101: and like 60% of the Golden Deer failed

king of meme: not me right

teaching 101: lysithea, marianne, and ignatz were the only ones who passed from your house

teaching 101: you got 23%

king of meme: i tried

ayyy: haha loser

king of meme: like you can talk

teaching 101: no sylvain got an A

teaching 101: a really low A but an A

ayyy: ayyy

king of meme: fml 

teaching 101: anyway

teaching 101: i assume that edelgard's told everyone about the smash tourney? there was so much in general and i cba to backread

ayyy: uh no

king of meme: brb gonna be labbing sans combos

teaching 101: oh

teaching 101: well edelgard wants to hold one and i'm probably gonna take part

teaching 101: you can't handle my Lucina

ayyy: ew

ayyy: imagine being a fire emblem fan

teaching 101: i'm failing you

ayyy: :(

** #smash **

_23/02/20- 9:06am_

_\-----------------_

Eagle 1: Hello everyone! I think that with the Professor there, another Smash Tourney wouldn't be as disastrous. It would be a good way for us to bond and- with a little bit of rigging- could help get some of our resident pining idiots to confess.

I AM: You copy pasted that from the BE chat

Eagle 2: I will change your name if you bully my girlfriend again

Hubert: Do it.

I AM: you too, Hubie?

Hubert: Do it, pussy.

ayyy: Hubie?

queen of meme: gay

popcorn pisser: WHY IS EVERYONE OUT FOR ME?

popcorn pisser: wait

popcorn pisser: dorothea why

Eagle 1: Dorothea

Eagle 2: Sorry Edie

Eagle 1: I wanted to call him the same thing

Eagle 2: Lesbians think alike

Eagle 1: I really love you huh

Eagle 2: I love you too Edie <333

king of meme: gay

jewalt owo: claude ur bi

king of meme: shush

Eagle 1: Anyway, the point still stands. The professor has messaged me and said that they are available at 6pm. Be there if you wish to participate. I, myself, will not, so that makes 24 people if everyone shows up. 

Eagle 1: I hope that you have fun.


	2. The Smashing of The Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> @queen of meme <\----> @teaching 101
> 
> 23/02/20- 7:24pm
> 
> \-----------------
> 
> queen of meme: let her win and I'll do your chem homework
> 
> teaching 101: Hilda...I'm the teacher.
> 
> queen of meme: true
> 
> queen of meme: uh please?
> 
> teaching 101: ok :)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh here it is  
> enjoy

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 5:28pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: Hello everyone. Thank you for messaging me that you are all looking forward to the Smash Tournament. It begins in half an hour, so you are welcome to join myself and Dorothea in the Black Eagle classroom, which Lady Rhea has graciously let us borrow. I suppose she's not all bad after all!

Eagle 2: That's right! If you have Miis you have to make, come do it ASAP.

king of meme: Edelgard

Eagle 2: Give me the money and I'll buy the Sans costume.

king of meme: deal

queen of meme: u have everyone right???

Eagle 1: of course I do

Eagle 1: I also have the dlc

jewalt senpai: I can't believe it was another fucking FE character

CHONK: don't you main Chrom?

jewalt senpai: shut up

jewalt senpai: no-one wanted alm

teaching 101: I did

teaching 101: Also can somebody stop by my office when we're beginning? I'm putting my phone on silent because I have a meeting.

short king mama ayy: will do

teaching 101: Thank you, Caspar.

team mom: I'm not very good but I'll try my best! Annie and I are out shopping so I can buy any food that we want?

team mom: also Dimitri, for our sake, bring your own controller

D.A.B: will do

ayyy: thank God lol

ayyy: remember felix's 14th

Galatea_Riding: we were playing brawl and Dimitri broke the Wii because Glenn mained Meta Knight back then

stabby boi: don't mention him.

Galatea_Riding: You're not the only one who was devastated by his loss, Felix

stabby boi: I don't care.

queen of meme: ?? confuse

queen of meme: who's Glenn

Galatea_Riding: Felix's older brother. He died in a car crash 3 years ago.

king of meme: Dimi

king of meme: didn't your parents die in a car crash three years ago?

D.A.B: They did, yes.

D.A.B: Let's not talk about this, please. It's supposed to be a happy tournament.

ayyy: sure lol

ayyy: yo Mercedes can you get some booze

team mom: no??? 

ayyy: why

team mom: Myself and the Professor are the only ones old enough to drink.

babey owo: huh

babey owo: sometimes I forget that you're older than the professor, Mercedes

ayyy: good thing I like a mature woman ;))))

Galatea_Riding: Perish.

ayyy: Ingrid?

Galatea_Riding: uh

Galatea_Riding: Mercedes doesn't deserve shit like that!

stabby boi: sure

popcorn pisser: Edelgard! I am en route to the classroom, ready to create my character! 

Eagle 1: I suddenly feel very ill. Dorothea, watch over the classroom while I go find Hubert.

Eagle 2: Babe! 

popcorn pisser: You aren't subtle, Edelgard :(

**#deersquad**

_23/02/20- 5:38pm_

\-----------------

dxrkspikest: yo claude

king of meme: wut

dxrkspikest: 'dimi'

king of meme: what about him

jewalt senpai: we're referring to the nickname here

queen of meme: how could you start dating him and not tell me :(

king of meme: we're not?? dating??

king of meme: I just have nicknames for everyone

dxrkspikest: name one person you have a nickname for

king of meme: you, kiddo

dxrkspikest: I am going to piss your pants so hard that even holding them above London in 1666 won't dry them

king of meme: :(

CHONK: seriously though

CHONK: we don't care if you're gay Claude!

jewalt senpai: we been knew that he's gay

queen of meme: he had a crush on my brother in elementary

king of meme: I was 11

queen of meme: point still stands

dxrkspikest: anyway

dxrkspikest: you like Dimitri don't you

king of meme: no lol

king of meme: I just wanted to give him a friendly nickname

king of meme: y'know

king of meme: like friends

queen of meme: but I don't get a nickname?

queen of meme: fuck you claude

king of meme: sure ;)))

jewalt senpai: the bisexuality of man

** @Eagle 1 <\----> @Eagle 2 **

_23/02/20- 5:48pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 2: So, people are starting to arrive.

Eagle 1: We need to set up the bracket

Eagle 2: Mhm

Eagle 2: There are 12 matches in the first round

Eagle 2: 6 in the second round

Eagle 2: for the third round we can make the opposites on the bottom fight and then sit out

Eagle 2: So 3 for the quarters and the semis only have 1

Eagle 1: Well, ok.

Eagle 1: This is where we choose our ships, I suppose.

Eagle 2: Pretty much lol

Eagle 1: I'm putting Hubert and Ferdinand at the top left

Eagle 2: Dimitri v Claude

Eagle 2: Sylvain v Felix

Eagle 2: Put me v Petra aswell lol

Eagle 2: And as far from Bernie as possible.

Eagle 1: Why should I do that to Petra?

Eagle 2: Babe :(

Eagle 1: Just kidding, dear. <3

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 6:02pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: Caspar! @short king mama ayy

short king mama ayy: we're on our way

teaching 101: sure are! just as a warning, I beat Alois last time we had a faculty tourney. Only person who'd ever beat him before was Rhea's brother.

bernie: ohhh! uncle indech!

teaching 101: You're related to Rhea?

bernie: not actually related. he just knew my uncle and uh yeah

bernie: he wanted to be my godfather but my dad said no

Eagle 2: I'm gonna kill your dad someday.

bernie: but he was really nice to me and he taught me how to play! So it's okay!

teaching 101: we're doomed

king of meme: yeah, Bernie wins every smash tourney we play

king of meme: I got close last time tho

queen of meme: you got her to 30%

king of meme: closer than you did

queen of meme: :(

Eagle 1: And there's Caspar, so everyone's here!

Eagle 1: @everyone listen up! We're going to begin the tournament, the first match being Hubert vs. Ferdinand. Please keep speaking to a minimum as so to not distract the competitors. Use this channel if you must.

popcorn pisser: why him, Edelgard? i don't want to be associated with him!

Hubert: Just shut up and pick a character.

king of meme: Ferdinand picked a mii

queen of meme: what a legend

L.Gloucester: it looks like him!

jewalt senpai: shut up toe licker

L.Gloucester: :(

dxrkspikest: can we just play melee next tourney

dxrkspikest: MK and the Mii's are boring to watch

Eagle 1: Nobody plays melee anymore, Lysithea.

dxrkspikest: smh

stabby boi: holy shit

stabby boi: you know side b puts you into special fall right

team mom: if the platform wasn't there you would've died!

Hubert: and?

Eagle 2: aren't you playing? how are you texting?

Hubert: Determination.

_ 6:16pm _

Eagle 1: And Hubert defeats Ferdinand with one stock left! Good game, boys.

popcorn pisser: I must say, I will applaud you for that match. you are very determined to win. I can respect that :)

Hubert: I suppose that you played acceptably.

bedtime: adorable

Eagle 2: What a nice couple.

Hubert: I do not want to make Lady Edelgard a widower, but I will not hesitate.

Eagle 2: D:

Brigid Pride: Oh! It is my turn to Smash the Brothers! I will be smashing Dorothea, it seems!

Eagle 1: Choose your words carefully.

Eagle 1: Very carefully.

Eagle 2: It's Petra, honey. She's not fluent yet.

Brigid Pride: I am having apologies. I did not mean it in a offending way.

Eagle 1: No, it's okay. Have fun.

babey owo: ahh, the ZSS. A dorothea classic

bedtime: while petra picked Corrin

jewalt senpai: ew FE

dxrkspikest: what's wrong with FE?

jewalt senpai: a lot

Galatea_Riding: how would you feel if you were a fire emblem character and someone said that about you? 

jewalt senpai: I'd rather be dead

teaching 101: If you were an FE character I'd kill you first to stop you obsessing over my dad

teaching 101: who also probably dies later

jewalt senpai: what can I say? Captain Jeralt is a very talented, renowned sportsman!

teaching 101: He's also very talented at getting people to shut up. He passed that onto me.

jewalt senpai: :(

D.A.B: I must say Professor, we never do hear much about your mother. Is she...

teaching 101: yeah, she is. she died giving birth to me.

teaching 101: she was Rhea's daughter

teaching 101: which makes it pretty weird that I think my dad is hooking up with Rhea now.

jewalt senpai: ???????

jewalt senpai: what?

teaching 101: I have no clue either.

Eagle 1: Anyway, Petra takes the first stock with a back-air while she's at 224%.

dxrkspikest: dude ZSS has Up-B use it

queen of meme: she's more concerned with spamming flip kick

short king mama ayy: and sd'ing, apparently 

babey owo: RIP

_6:21pm_

Eagle 1: And Petra takes the game with 3 stocks remaining! Tough luck, Dorothea. Guess you've gotta come cuddle me now.

Eagle 2: I'm suddenly very happy that I lost.

Brigid Pride: I got the victory!

stabby boi: ew gay

ayyy: like you Felix ;))))

stabby boi: die

Eagle 1: Anyway, next up is Leonie vs. Dedue!

The plant...: I will win for you, my highness.

D.A.B: I appreciate the effort, Dedue.

dxrkspikest: _instalocks chrom_

jewalt senpai: I will kill you.

dxrkspikest: :)

** @king of meme <\----> @D.A.B **

_23/02/20- 6:23pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: yo dimi

D.A.B: Claude, surely you can type in the main chat?

king of meme: I could but the deer will bully me

king of meme: but when I volunteer to go get food will you come w/ me?

king of meme: Somebody's inevitably gonna ask after the tourney's done.

D.A.B: Oh

D.A.B: Of course I will

king of meme: thanks :D

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 6:25pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: And Dedue takes the victory with a 2 stock lead!

jewalt senpai: Dedude... your plant was nasty

queen of meme: nice

king of meme: nice

jewalt senpai: I try

The plant...: So do I. To win, of course.

dxrkspikest: maybe playing a character from a franchise you like will let you recover

jewalt senpai: kys lysithea

short king mama ayy: yeah go play melee

cinnamon roll: Caspar, you're versing her soon. Surely you should be nice to your opponents?

dxrkspikest: too late

short king mama ayy: oh no sorry

dxrkspikest: :)

CHONK: the smiley of death

iggle giggle: last time she sent that she killed Claude's dogs in minecraft

king of meme: still salty about that kiddo

dxrkspikest: I will castrate you.

king of meme: aight sorry

Eagle 1: Anyway, if you'd have payed attention, you'll see that Mercedes and Ingrid are playing. Mercedes is Palutena and Ingrid is Pit.

ayyy: that's quite the character choices. poor ingrid she's doomed by character lore

L.Gloucester: if you had actually played critically acclaimed game 'Kid Icarus: Uprising' for the Nintendo 3ds, you'll have seen that there is actually a chapter where Pit defeats Palutena in combat. Therefore, the matchup is more equal than it seems.

popcorn pisser: SPOILERS!

king of meme: ok mayonnaise

L.Gloucester: :(

Eagle 1: And it's over. Ingrid defeats Mercedes rather handily.

team mom: Oh my, I tried my hardest! You were so good though, well done Ingrid! You deserve it :)

Galatea_Riding: ahh thank you :)

babey owo: gay

stabby boi: gay

ayyy: gay

Galatea_Riding: cease.

team mom: ^^

_6:30pm_

bedtime: caspar can you please just pick a character

short king mama ayy: fine! I'll go random, happy?

Eagle 1: As long as you play that character for the rest of the tournament!

cinnamon roll: drum roll

queen of meme: and he got ganondorf

king of meme: ganon v wolf

dxrkspikest: interesting matchup.

teaching 101: ganon loses hard.

D.A.B: Professor?

teaching 101: experience.

bernie: oh, does alois main ganondorf as well? wow, he really does remind me of my uncle!

bernie: biological that is not uncle indech

teaching 101: is that why you like him so much?

teaching 101: if so, noted.

_6:32pm_

short king mama ayy: note to self- don't piss off Lysithea

ayyy: she took 3 stocks in like 1 minute 30

CHONK: that was really impressive!

dxrkspikest: I'll be here all night

Eagle 1: An astounding performance, Lysithea! Next up is Bernadetta vs. Ashe.

cinnamon roll: go easy on me, bernie!

bernie: this a tourney

bernie: lives are at stake

bernie: i won't go easy on you amateurs.

_ 6:33pm _

king of meme: joker????

queen of meme: bernie pulling out the top tiers

Eagle 1: And it's over. That was even quicker than Lysithea.

cinnamon roll: i think it's safe to say that I got destroyed!

bernie: it was actually kinda sloppy

bernie :not used to this many people sorry

Eagle 1: It's ok, Bernadetta. you're still extremely good.

bernie: thanks i guess

Eagle 1: Anyways, the next match is the Professor vs Hilda.

queen of meme: wait what

teaching 101: perish

_6:38pm_

king of meme: hilda when did u get so good? 👀

queen of meme: i been labbing

queen of meme: but even my isabelle can't beat Byleth's lucina huh

teaching 101: nope

teaching 101: challenges their fate

king of meme: weeb

teaching 101: i am going to destroy you

Eagle 1: Anyway! The next round is Claude vs. Dimitri. Dimitri, please plug in your controller.

D.A.B: Got it. Good luck, Claude!

king of meme: glhf

_6:43pm_

king of meme: sorry dimitri

D.A.B: it's fine

D.A.B: not the first time I broke a controller

Marianne <3333: um... that was very good Claude!

king of meme: ty marianne 

Eagle 1: Anyway, Marianne vs. Lorenz is next!

L.Gloucester: Surely this is rigged? How can you expect me to fight such a lovely girl?

Marianne <3333: um... i can step down if you want

queen of meme: No, Mari, it's fine! You'll beat him, I know you will!

Marianne <3333: um...ok. I'm picking Kirby

L.Gloucester: As for I, Marth shall be my choice! He is truly the epitome of nobility.

**@queen of meme <\----> @L.Gloucester**

_23/02/20- 6:44pm_

\-----------------

queen of meme: let Mari win and I'll do your chem hw

L.Gloucester: ...

L.Gloucester: Deal.

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 6:49pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: And Marianne wins with one stock remaining.

L.Gloucester: Well, Marianne. You have bested me. Well done :)

Marianne <3333: ahh I'm sorry

queen of meme: don't be sorry, Mari! well done!

Marianne <3333: oh, thank you :)

Eagle 1: Anyway, the next match is Linhardt vs. Raphael.

CHONK: Good luck, Linhardt!

bedtime: you too, i guess

**@king of meme <\----> @D.A.B**

_23/02/20- 6:50pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: hey dimi

king of meme: I'm sorry

D.A.B: it's okay, Claude.

king of meme: its not

king of meme: I made you break your controller

D.A.B: it's as i said, it's not the first time

king of meme: i still feel bad

D.A.B: don't, okay? We can pick out a new one when we get the food later.

king of meme: oh yeah

king of meme: you think we're camping out in the classroom tonight then?

D.A.B: I didn't make Ingrid and Dedue pack blankets for nothing.

king of meme: ok i see

king of meme: sorry for bothering you

D.A.B: it's as i said Claude, it's okay :)

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 6:54pm_

\-----------------

short king mama ayy: lin

short king mama ayy: you can't just spam rest

bedtime: i still took 2 stocks

CHONK: I'm just glad I won!

Eagle 1: You should be. Well done, Raphael.

Eagle 1: The next match is Ignatz vs. Annette.

babey owo: ooh fun! my robin is gonna slay

jewalt senpai: ew fe

babey owo: kys

king of meme: wait 

king of meme: IGNATZ MY MAN

king of meme: PICKING A MII

queen of meme: _one of us_

queen of meme: _**one of us.**_

popcorn pisser: can i be one of you too?

king of meme: no

popcorn pisser: come on! I am certain that I will be of assistance.

Eagle 2: Doubt

dxrkspikest: doubt

queen of meme: doubt

ayyy: doubt

Hubert: ...Doubt.

Brigid Pride: I am doing the doubting!

**@the plant... <\----> @D.A.B**

_23/02/20- 6:56pm_

\-----------------

D.A.B: Dedue

D.A.B: I cannot

D.A.B: he's just far too adorable

the plant...: what did he do, your highness?

D.A.B: he keeps on apologising for me breaking his controller

D.A.B: and I'm pretty sure he intends to buy me a new one

D.A.B: and he's making me go food shopping with him after the tourney so we all can camp out in the classroom so he can do

D.A.B: I'm not going red, am I?

the plant...: not yet, your highness.

the plant...: will you need assistance on this shopping trip?

D.A.B: I appreciate the thought, Dedue, but I'd rather be alone with him. it gives me more of an opportunity to get to know him better.

the plant...: I understand. If you need any help regardless, do not hesitate to message me.

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:03pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: and Ignatz takes the victory after it goes to timer!

team mom: Annette, I don't think you're supposed to run away from him!

babey owo: you guys just don't know how to play Robin

cinnamon roll: sorry but it isn't smash 4 sonic!

babey owo: :(

Eagle 1: speaking of Smash 4, the last match of Round 1 is Sylvain vs Felix, which just started. And Sylvain is playing Bayonetta.

Galatea_Riding: of course Sylvain picked Bayonetta.

CHONK: did he just ladder Felix?

teaching 101: guess it is smash 4

Galatea_Riding: he's mad now

Galatea_Riding: real mad

short king mama ayy: just a lovers quarrel

stabby boi: fuck off

team mom: Oh, Felix, don't text and type-

team mom: Never mind, do what you want

jewalt senpai: was that an Ike 0-Death

dxrkspikest: yep, it was.

_7:06pm_

Eagle 1: And Felix beating Sylvain concludes Round 1! We're going to start Round 2 immediately, with Petra vs. Hubert!

Brigid Pride: I will be smashing the brother!

Hubert: I would like to see you try.

ayyy: anyw felix

ayyy: the way you destroyed me

ayyy: pretty hot

stabby boi: can someone please kick him

Eagle 2: No.

stabby boi: fine.

babey owo: anyw uh

Galatea_Riding: GAY

ayyy: ...

babey owo: >:)

_ 7:11pm _

Eagle 1: And Hubert takes it after an incredibly close match!

Hubert: Well played. I am not surprised that someone of Brigid has that much skill.

Brigid Pride: I have gratitude for your letting me take part.

Eagle 1: Next up is Dedue vs. Ingrid!

Galatea_Riding: En guarde!

king of meme: ok so uh

king of meme: now seems like a good time: Dimi and I are gonna go grab some food and probably a movie after the tourney is over so that we can camp out here tonight. Anything anyone wants in particular?

Eagle 2: Get a chocolate sharing box for each house!

iggle piggle: uh I'm actually lactose intolerant so can i have like

iggle piggle: haribos or something?

D.A.B: on the list!

Eagle 1: And with that, Dedue has finished her evisceration of Ingrid.

Galatea_Riding: I'm embarrassed.

the plant...: do not be. You played well.

Galatea_Riding: I GOT 3 STOCKED

the plant...: true

Eagle 1: ANYWAY! next is Lysithea vs Bernadetta.

dxrkspikest: Hope you're ready, Bernie

bernie: ahhh don't kill me

bernie: but yeah, i-i am

**@queen of meme <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 7:12pm_

\-----------------

queen of meme: going out alone shopping hm

queen of meme: and you say you don't like him

king of meme: i just feel bad for breaking his controller

queen of meme: mhm sure

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:16pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: After a fairly close match, Bernadetta comes out on top!

dxrkspikest: GG. Surprised I barely just got a stock tbh.

bernie: yeah you played really good!!!!

dxrkspikest: i would own you if this was melee tho

king of meme: weren't you born when brawl was a thing?

dxrkspikest: i will cut your boyfriend in two

king of meme: i don't have a boyfriend

dxrkspikest: mhm sure

dxrkspikest: @D.A.B

queen of meme: @D.A.B

D.A.B: Give it a rest! Claude and I are just friends.

teaching 101: speaking of which, Claude get your butt up here

teaching 101: i got luck +4 from Olivia on my side

king of meme: someone enjoyed awakening huh

**@the plant... <\----> @D.A.B**

_23/02/20- 7:17PM_

\-----------------

D.A.B: DEDUE!

D.A.B: HELP

D.A.B: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS

the plant...: relax, they're just teasing.

the plant...: Besides, you clarified that you are just friends, for now. There is nothing to worry about.

D.A.B: Ok

D.A.B: You're right, Dedue. Thank you.

the plant...: Any time.

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:21pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: Seems sans undertale is no match for Lucina fireemblem

bedtime: yo lorenz

bedtime: search lucina up on rule 34 . net

bedtime: I need to show Leonie something

L.Gloucester: Anything to help out a friend!

L.Gloucester: ...

L.Gloucester: nevermind

teaching 101: you poor thing

king of meme: lmao linhardt got him good

king of meme: since both Dimi and I are out we gonna go start the shop

king of meme: I'll pay, don't worry

team mom: how kind! thank you, Claude

king of meme: no worries :)

Eagle 1: Anyway, next up is Raphael vs Marianne

CHONK: Hell yeah!

Marianne <3333: oh my! I'll try my best...

**@queen of meme <\----> @CHONK**

_23/02/20- 7:24pm_

\-----------------

queen of meme: let her win and I'll do your chem homework

CHONK: Really? Sure!

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:29pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: And Marianne takes another close victory from Raphael!

Marianne <33: ahh I'm doing so well!

queen of meme: heck yeah you are <3

Marianne: thanks for the support hilda ^_^

Eagle 1: Anyway, the final battle of Round 2 is Ignatz vs Felix.

stabby boi: hmph.

iggle piggle: I'll try my best!

**@queen of meme <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 7:31pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: I peep that heart

queen of meme: oh shush

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:32pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: And Felix wins with a 2 stock lead! Now starts the quarter-finals, with Dedue vs Hubert.

Hubert: Let's go. We will see whom is the better of the two vassals of the house leaders.

jewalt senpai: Just gonna leave Hilda out, huh?

queen of meme: i ain't claude's bitch

jewalt senpai: fair

_7:37pm_

Eagle 1: And Dedue beats Hubert after a long match!

the plant...: Good game.

Hubert: sure.

popcorn pisser: Hubert, if you are out, come join me for a game of chess!

Hubert: Fine. 

Eagle 2: gay

popcorn pisser: Dorothea :(

Eagle 2: :)

Eagle 1: Next is Byleth vs Marianne. Have fun!

**@queen of meme <\----> @teaching 101**

_23/02/20- 7:24pm_

\-----------------

queen of meme: let her win and I'll do your chem homework

teaching 101: Hilda...I'm the teacher.

queen of meme: true

queen of meme: uh please?

teaching 101: ok :)))

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:32pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: And Marianne surprisingly beats Byleth, putting her in the semi finals!

teaching 101: well done, Marianne! I was dsitracted by Sylvain and Felix's bickering, but you still deserve it :).

ayyy: :(

stabby boi: we weren't bickering

Galatea_Riding: You were

Galatea_Riding: Like an old married couple

ayyy: ingrid shut up

teaching 101: they even deny it

Marianne <3333: anyway! thank you for letting me win Professor :)

teaching 101: any time Marianne :)

Eagle 1: The final match of the quarter finals is Bernadetta vs Felix

stabby boi: hmph.

bernie: oohkay! let's go!

_7:37pm_

Eagle 1: And Bernadetta removes Felix, beginning the Semi-Finals! Bernadetta, if you could sit out of the semis? You've destroyed everyone and there are an odd number of people left.

stabby boi: fuck.

bernie: uhhh ok!

ayyy: it's okay fe i still love you

stabby boi: kys

ayyy: :(

Eagle 1: The Semi-Final is between Marianne and Dedue!

**@queen of meme <\----> @the plant...**

_23/02/20- 7:38pm_

\-----------------

queen of meme: let her win and I'll do your chem homework

the plant...: there is no need for you to do so. I will do it if it will make her happy.

queen of meme: ahh thank you <33

the plant...: no problem.

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:43pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: After a long battle, Marianne proves herself as a very good player and defeats Dedue, putting her in the final against Bernadetta!

Marianne <3333: I'm very grateful that everyone is letting me win :)

the plant...: I was not. You are just very talented.

queen of meme: Yeah, Mari! Now go snatch Bernie's wig!

bernie: ahh i knew you were trying to kill me!

Eagle 1: Indeed. The Finals- Bernadetta vs Marianne, begin now!

jewalt senpai: yeah sorry Mari stands no chance

ayyy: agreed

team mom: Marianne is very good, but nobody can defeat Bernadetta!

**@queen of meme <\----> @bernie**

_23/02/20- 7:44pm_

\-----------------

queen of meme: let her win and I'll do your chem homework

bernie: ahh! is this a plot?

bernie: I'm not going to fall for it! so leave me alone!

queen of meme: woah chill

bernie: how can i chill when you're trying to kill me?

bernie: just leave me alone ahhhhh

queen of meme: calm down

queen of meme: bernie?

queen of meme: well, Mari's fucked.

**#smash**

_23/02/20- 7:47pm_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: After a very long, not so action packed battle, Bernadetta is the victor of today's tournament! (to no-one's surprise)

bernie: ahhhh thank you? what do I win?

teaching 101: you can go back to your room now :)

bernie: really? ahh thanks professor

bernie: I'll see you all tomorrow :)

teaching 101: before you go, I must ask- why were you playing so campy?

bernie: i don't want hilda to kill me

bernie: anyway bye!

queen of meme: ????

Marianne <3333: I'll see you too, Bernadetta :)

queen of meme: you still did really well Mari!

Marianne <3333: i didn't really, but thank you <3

queen of meme: anytime

dxrkspikest: anyway, i brought CAH. who's playing?

**#general**

_23/02/20- 8:15pm_

\-----------------

D.A.B: he;ps

Eagle 2: Come again?

D.A.B: HELP

team mom: Oh no! What happened?

D.A.B: CLAUDE GOT ARRESTED

Eagle 1: Why am I not surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the next chapter is gonna slightly go back in time so we can see the shopping trip. it might have some literate writing but should still be mostly chatfic.  
> also uh again but if you like sylvain angst then maybe check out my other fic lol, it's a lot higher quality than this shithole  
> have a good day!


	3. Claude is sad™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next few minutes were a frantic rush for Dimitri. Something had clearly been misunderstood. After quickly paying for his shopping- he slapped two $20 bills on the counter not caring for exact amounts- and messaging the Discord about the situation, he rushed to the station. It wasn't too far of a walk from the Target which he was at, luckily- only about 5 minutes or so. In his frenzied panic, Dimitri ran as fast as he could, hoping to prevent any form of extra abuse; the Police around the area- sometimes known as the 'Knights of Seiros' were known for being very harsh and unforgiving. The blonde couldn't help but puzzle over what they meant by 'theft' and 'assault'. Claude would never hurt an innocent person- so it should be classified as self-defense- and he had no idea why he would steal something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly can't stop writing this lol it's so fun  
> and thanks for all the support! i appreciate it lol  
> enjoy!
> 
> (note there are some darker themes in this chapter. i advise being careful if you're triggered easily. Stay safe :).)

**#general**

_23/02/20- 8:17pm_

\-----------------

D.A.B: If someone could come to the mall

D.A.B: I'd be very grateful!

team mom: I'm coming over, Dimitri! Stay put, and try to breathe!

L.Gloucester: Personally, I believe that Claude should deal with his own problems. After all, it is now clear I am the far superior choice as leader of the Golden Deer house!

queen of meme: really dude

Marianne <3333: wwas that really necessary?

iggle piggle: yeah! for all we know, it isn't Claude's fault!

jewalt senpai: y'know we haven't been bullying Lorenz much recently

dxrkspikes: time to fix that

Eagle 1: Come on! That was insensitive, but Lorenz doesn't deserve literal bullying! Surweosdfoi

send feet in dm: Thank you, Edelgard! Are you okay?

send feet in dm: wait

Eagle 1: LYSITHEA

Eagle 1: DON'T JUST WALK UP TO ME AND TAKE MY PHONE!!!!

Eagle 2: YOU GREMLIN GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY EDIE

dxrkspikest: hoes mad

Eagle 1: >:(

bedtime: what happened I was sleeping

bedtime: nvm i read up

bedtime: i wonder if the beds in jail are nice

CHONK: oh? and I wonder if the food is good too?

teaching 101: Everyone, calm. Claude is _not_ going to jail, if I can help it. An old friend of mine works at the station and I'm sure that we can sort it out.

team mom: Okay! Professor, I'll drive! Once it's all over, would you like to stop at McDonald with Annie and I?

teaching 101: sure

teaching 101: as long as said friend is invited

babey owe: of course! :3

_earlier that day..._

\-----------------------------

**@king of meme <\----> @D.A.B**

_23/02/20- 7:35pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: you made a list right

D.A.B: of course!

D.A.B: Food, a new controller, and a movie of your choice!

D.A.B: i also need to pick up a few personal things while we're out because now is a good time

king of meme: cool one sec

**@king of meme <\----> @the plant...**

_23/02/20- 7:37pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: what's dimitri's favourite film

the plant...: The Lion King. The original, not the remake.

the plant...: be warned though: he will cry.

king of meme: ah okay

king of meme: ty fam

**@king of meme <\----> @D.A.B**

_23/02/20- 7:38pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: k meet me outside target

D.A.B: see you there!

**@D.A.B <\----> @the plant...**

_23/02/20- 7:47pm_

\-------------------

D.A.B: dkshohdsoih

D.A.B: he chose The Lion King

D.A.B: as the film

D.A.B: could he be any more perfect

the plant...: probably yes

D.A.B: doubt :(

**@D.A.B <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 7:52pm_

\-------------------

king of meme: yo dimi

king of meme: what kinda controller did you wanna get again?

king of meme: i might look into getting my own

D.A.B: oh, just the cheapest switch controller probably

D.A.B: i don't use it much and it's probably gonna break quickly

king of meme: still sorry about that

D.A.B: honestly Claude

D.A.B: there's no reason to worry

king of meme: okay

king of meme: sorry

**@D.A.B <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 7:52pm_

\-------------------

king of meme: hey dimi

king of meme: yk where the gamestop is right

D.A.B: no but i know where a map is

D.A.B: I'm shopping for some of my own stuff

king of meme: ok but hurry up

king of meme: i think this karen is giving me the stinkeye

D.A.B: why?

king of meme: i took the last controller and her son kicked off

D.A.B: okay

D.A.B: Claude I'm done?

D.A.B: Claude?

**SMS: You to Claude ( _click here for more info)_**

_23/02/20- 7:55pm_

\-------------------

Claude: Hello. This is an operating member of the local Garreg Mach Police Force. Your friend/family member/acquaintance has been accused and therefore arrested on terms of arrest/assault. This is a message sent from the Emergency Contacts list and therefore we have no access to any of your personal details. Please come to the station at Garreg Mach Mall to defend your friend/family member/acquaintance.

You: ?????

You: uh okay officer

Claude: Thank you for your co-operation.

\--------------------------------------------------------

The next few minutes were a frantic rush for Dimitri. Something had clearly been misunderstood. After quickly paying for his shopping- he slapped two $20 bills on the counter not caring for exact amounts- and messaging the Discord about the situation, he rushed to the station. It wasn't too far of a walk from the Target which he was at, luckily- only about 5 minutes or so. In his frenzied panic, Dimitri ran as fast as he could, hoping to prevent any form of extra abuse; the Police around the area- sometimes known as the 'Knights of Seiros' were known for being very harsh and unforgiving. The blonde couldn't help but puzzle over what they meant by 'theft' and 'assault'. Claude would never hurt an innocent person- so it should be classified as self-defense- and he had no idea why he would steal something. Dimitri highly doubted that he was thin on money- he was from an upper-class house after all (well, his grandfather is). When he pulled into the front of the station, he walked in, identifying himself. A kind officer- who looked suspiciously familiar- took him into a room containing a much more stern officer standing next to a woman with what could only be described as a 'Karen' haircut. Her son was sleeping on a chair nearby.

Claude was in the middle of the room, sweating profusely, his eyes still puffy and red. To Dimitri, it was obvious he was having a panic attack; he suffered from them himself, after all. Claude was shaking, and when addressed by the kind officer, could barely splutter out a reply to a question whispered in his ear; "Y-yeah t-tha-him."

"That's right. It's me, Claude. Mind telling me what happened, Officer?" Dimitri said calmly. He needed to show Claude that he was in control so that he would calm down.

"Of course. Dimitri, is it? Your father was Major of Faerghus up north, wasn't he? I recognise the surname. I'm sorry for the accident a few years-" started the sterner officer, before Dimitri cut him off;

"This isn't about me, Officer. What did Claude do?" Dimitri asked.

"I'll tell you what he did! That dirty bandit shoved my son against a wall, beat him, and then stole the controller that I- as a single mother, by the way- worked very hard to earn the money to buy. All the disgusting punks such as this imbecile deserve to be locked up and never see the light of day again!" cut in Karen. Dimitri suddenly felt extremely sorry for her son.

"Silence, Kronya. It wasn't your turn to speak. As she said, Claude was accused of assaulting that boy and stealing this Nintendo Switch controller. Has Claude ever had any financial issues before? The same as with anger issues?" The kinder officer asked, taking the controller from a bag to present it to Dimitri. It was a beautiful shade of azure and-coincidentally- had a lion engraved on the front. _Was Claude really buying it for himself?_

"No financial problems, as far as I know. The same with anger problems- if anything, Claude is one of the more relaxed people I know. I am certain that this all wasn't his fault." Dimitri reassured, glancing at the kind officer, gesturing if he could move towards Claude. After a nod of approval, he moved towards his friend and placed a hand on his shoulder, leaning down and whispering "It's gonna be okay" into his ear.

Claude shrugged, and opened his mouth, but then the stauncher officer spoke: "Unfortunately, Kronya here has more evidence than you do. After all, she had the receipt for the controller and her son has a significant bruise on his cheek. What do you say to that?"

Claude managed to spit out an answer this time "I-i thr-threw out the re-receipt. She mu-must've p-picked it up."

Kronya laughed, her eyes full of a cruel sense of victory that was all too familiar to him; oftentimes being in the glare of his possessive aunt, Cornelia. "What a pitiful excuse. Is your life that pathetic? Maybe you should go back to the slums like the rest of you Almyran scum."

Claude shivered, letting out another loud sob, shaking Dimitri's hand off of his shoulder. Dimitri was shocked; he had experienced racism before, but it had never been to the extent of accusing someone of a crime. He was going to make this woman pay- in one way or another. He opened his mouth to reply, but there was no need, as a familiar face stepped into the room.

"Claude? Are you alright? What happened!" said Byleth, a typical calm look on their face. 

"Bylie?" exclaimed the kinder officer in shock?

"Oh- Gabe, you're here! Thank goodness, this is going to be easier now. What happened?" 

"Kronya over there accused Claude of beating up her son and stealing a game controller from him. She has the receipt and her son has a fresh bruise on his face." clarified the sterner officer, who did not look pleased with the situation. Kronya, meanwhile, was fuming but elected to stay quiet.

Byleth sighed. "Claude, Dimitri, phones, and passwords. Now." 

Dimitri handed Byleth his phone "Password is F43RGHU5."

Reluctantly, the older officer handed Byleth Claude's phone, which had been confiscated. "cha0sb!" Claude murmured.

Byleth opened the phone, and flicked through tabs for a solid 5 minutes, seemingly amassing the information required. Mercedes and Annette- who had entered with Byleth, came over to Claude and Dimitri, attempting to comfort them. Meanwhile, the officers nattered on in the background, as Kronya woke up her son.

"I'm ready." Byleth sighed. "Evidence 1: Looking at Claude's online banking, we can see a transaction that happened at Gamestop which matches the one on the receipt. I'm not saying that Claude should've dropped it, but I am certain that Kronya here does not have an identical transaction on her online banking, neither a receipt of her own. Furthermore, if we look through messages between Dimitri and Claude on Discord, we can see prior talk of the two buying a controller, including Claude asking what to buy while in the shop, while also remarking on a strange woman with a son glaring at him. This obviously is not concrete, but I am sure that checking security footage in both the mall and the shop can confirm that Claude never laid a finger on this child and bought the controller honestly, with his own money. In conclusion, I fear we have a bigger issue of domestic abuse here, considering that the bruise seems fairly fresh and there is potential camera evidence suggesting that Claude is not the assailant." Byleth closed the tabs, handed the boys back their phones, and winked at 'Gabe', making the officer blush.

Kronya looked mortified. "I- How could you accuse me of such a thing? I would never-" she began to say, but she was cut off by the stern officer, reacting to her son raising a hand:

"Mommy said that if she hit me I can get the controller though!" the boy said, stunning the room into silence. 

\-----------------------------------------

After half an hour of needless argument, they were free to go and Kronya was being investigated. Mercedes insisted on paying for the controller and taking everyone to McDonald's. As Annette, Byleth, and Gabe- who they learned was a former security guard at their school- talked amongst themselves, Claude and Dimitri sat in silence, the latter letting the former cry into his shoulder.

"Wait, so your name is Gabe Kerper?" Annette asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, and I ended up as a Gatekeeper for a while. Life is weird, isn't it?"

The ginger nodded as Claude poked at Dimitri's side, pointing to his phone. It seemed that he wanted to communicate through text.

**@D.A.B <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 9:22pm_

\-------------------

D.A.B: are you alright

king of meme: yeah

king of meme: i had a really bad panic attack and idk what to do

king of meme: sorry

D.A.B: it's okay, Claude. She had no right to treat you like that.

king of meme: i got used to it

D.A.B: ?

king of meme: obviously I wasn't born in fodlan

king of meme: i moved here when i was young but that didn't change the colour of my skin or my heritage

king of meme: when i was growing up there were a lot of dickwads who said a lot of shit to me

king of meme: it was even worse because i was going to private school w/ a bunch of stuck-up snobs but my grandad insisted that i couldn't move

king of meme: it really sucked but i didn't let it get in the way

D.A.B: i'm so sorry, Claude

king of meme: it's as i said i got used to it

king of meme: this was a minority anyway, most of the kids were nice even if they were a bit stuck up

king of meme: it just came out of nowhere

D.A.B: okay

D.A.B: are you still okay for the campout tonight?

king of meme: yeah

king of meme: can you stay with me tonight though?

king of meme: i still feel crappy

D.A.B: of course :)

D.A.B: it's sad that i never got my controller though

king of meme: u did???

D.A.B: that one was for me? not you??

king of meme: yeah

king of meme: sorry if you don't like it

D.A.B: i do

D.A.B: it's a nice design

D.A.B: and also apparently really expensive??

king of meme: oh yeah

king of meme: i felt really bad 

king of meme: so i got u a nice 1

king of meme: i was thinking i could maybe teach u?

king of meme: no pressure tho

D.A.B: of course :)

D.A.B: we're pulling up, are you going in?

king of meme: no

king of meme: too many people and I look like shit

D.A.B: got it

D.A.B: ok we're going in what do u want?

king of meme: uh just a happy meal

king of meme: surprise me

D.A.B: happy meal?

king of meme: yeah maybe the toy will cheer me up

D.A.B: oh okay!

king of meme: don't stop talking to me

king of meme: so uh

D.A.B: yeah?

king of meme: that police guy mentioned ur dad

D.A.B: oh yeah

D.A.B: he was the Mayor of Faerghus. Y'know, the district the Blue Lions are from? he died in a car crasha few years ago with my stepmother and Felix's brother.

king of meme: oh

king of meme: i'm sorry

king of meme: i haven't seem my parents in like

king of meme: 14 years

D.A.B: oh

D.A.B: i'm sorry

king of meme: it's fine

king of meme: i'm feeling better now

king of meme: i think my attack is over

D.A.B: That's good!

king of meme: yh

king of meme: get the food and come back soon <3

**@queen of meme <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 9:45pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: i lived bitch

queen of meme: CLAUDE

queen of meme: ARE YOU OKAY

king of meme: i had a panic attack and was attacked by an angry karen

king of meme: so uh no

queen of meme: well when you get back! we're throwing you a happy party!

king of meme: uh

king of meme: ty i guess

queen of meme: just you wait

queen of meme: we'll find some way to cheer you up

king of meme: i'm sure you will

king of meme: thanks Hilda

queen of meme: <3

**#general**

_23/02/20- 9:47pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: hey uh

king of meme: i'm okay

king of meme: shaken, but ok

jewalt owe: Claude! you're okay!!

iggle piggle: what happened? 

CHONK: like why were you even arrested in the first place

king of meme: uh

king of meme: @D.A.B

king of meme: help pls

D.A.B: of course!

D.A.B: basically this abusive Karen said that he beat up her son and stole a controller from him

D.A.B: thing is she actually hit her son to bruise him up so she could get away with it

D.A.B: fucking disgusting.

bernie: ummmmmmm

bernie: uh yeah i'm gonna go to bed! night!

Eagle 1: Bernadetta!

king of meme: sorry

king of meme: that probably hit a sour spot huh

D.A.B: it's not your fault, Claude.

king of meme: but it is??

king of meme: if i had just stood up for myself none of this would've happened

D.A.B: you had a panic attack, Claude. you can't control that.

Marianne <3333: umm yeah! it isn't your fault Claude!

king of meme: doubt

send feet in dm: As much as I hate to admit it, there's been an awkward atmosphere because of everyone worrying about you.

send feet in dm: In that case, i suppose I am happy you are back.

king of meme: ASOHFAUOSDUIGSDGB

king of meme: WHOEVER DID THAT TO LORENZ I STAN YOU

king of meme: and also thanks Lorenz :p

send feet in dm: :(

ayyy: glad to see i'm appreciated

dxrkspikest: it was me bitch

ayyy: yeah it was her

Eagle 1: she took my phone.

king of meme: stan

Eagle 2: Anyway, glad to have you back, Claude. Did you get the stuff for the campout?

king of meme: yh

D.A.B: food and more blankets 

D.A.B: Claude said we can have some casuals (dk what that means) and then we can settle down and watch a movie

D.A.B: he picked the Lion King

ayyy: isn't that your favourite movie Dimitri?

D.A.B: Yes

stabby boi: gay

babey owe: gay

bedtime: gay 

short king mama ayy: gay

popcorn pisser: gay

Brigid Pride: you are having the gay!

Eagle 2: gay

Eagle 1: Gay.

queen of meme: gay;,

Marianne <3333: ...gay?

dxrkspikest: gay

iggle piggle: gay

jewalt senpai: gay

cinnamon roll: gay???

Galatea_Riding: Sorry I'm late! Welcome back Claude, I'm glad it all ended up okay!

stabby boi: _Ingrid_

ayyy: don't ruin the moment

Galatea_Riding: oh

Galatea_Riding: gay

D.A.B: ...

king of meme: ...

king of meme: gay

D.A.B: ?!?!?!?!???!?!?!

team mom: You guys really went all out with the notifications! We've got McDonald for Claude to cheer him up! We just need to drop the Professor's friend home, and then we'll be back <3

**@D.A.B <\----> @king of meme**

_23/02/20- 10:02pm_

\-------------------

D.A.B: Claude??

king of meme: they ain't wrong

king of meme: we all gay

D.A.B: I guess so.

D.A.B: Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you're not blaming yourself for what happened earlier.

king of meme: i won't

king of meme: well not openly anyway

D.A.B: Just promise me that you'll be okay?

king of meme: of course I will Dimi

king of meme: <3

**@D.A.B <\----> @the plant...**

_23/02/20- 10:04pm_

\-------------------

D.A.B: HE KEEPS SENDING HEARTS

D.A.B: THIS IS NOT OKAY

the plant...: he's probably just teasing you. you have all night to talk to him, for now all of you need to get back here ASAP. We're waiting on our Disney movie.

D.A.B: Aha

D.A.B: Okay, Dedue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the really angsty chapter but wanted to write some Claude angst for the first time in a while. there'll probably be some in the next chapter but it won't specifically focus around Dimiclaude like this one did.
> 
> Have a good day!


	4. unless...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Galatea_Riding: do you have a crush on someone?
> 
> Eagle 2: 👀
> 
> stabby boi: ...
> 
> stabby boi: maybe
> 
> ayyy: i fucking knew you had it for hubert
> 
> stabby boi: fuck off
> 
> Galatea_Riding: I'm surprised he actually admitted it
> 
> stabby boi: is it that hard to believe?
> 
> Eagle 1: No, you're just not usually the most expressive person is all
> 
> short king mama ayy: yeah you say like nothing but insults
> 
> stabby boi: die
> 
> stabby boi: both of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started writing this chapter immediately after the last one because i don't like ending a night with angst lmao
> 
> enjoy

**#general**

_23/02/20- 10:12pm_

\-----------------

team mom: we're back!!!

king of meme: hope u missed us lol

D.A.B: Everybody get into groups! There's a limited number of blankets, so some people are gonna have to go without or share.

short king mama ayy: well lin's already asleep

Eagle 1: thankfully.

Eagle 2: Edie stop talking to that emo rat and come cuddle me already :((

Hubert: You wound me.

Eagle 1: Sorry Hubert, but the girlfriend's calling. Maybe you could share with Ferdinand?

popcorn pisser: as the youths would say

popcorn pisser: perish

queen of meme: ur doing amazing sweetie

Marianne <3333: uhh hilda lysithea can we share???

queen of meme: of course Mari!

dxrkspikest: ugh fine

Marianne <3333: umm thank you!

cinnamon roll: um caspar?

short king mama ayy: yeah ashe?

cinnamon roll: can we share? i have some cats i wanna show you :)

short king mama ayy: GET OVER HERE

cinnamon roll: coming!

Galatea_Riding: Mercedes, Annete, mind if I pair with you? I'd really rather leave the boys be

stabby boi: don't leave me with him

ayyy: what if we shared a blanket on the movie night

ayyy: haha... just kidding

ayyy: unless...?

stabby boi: leave

king of meme: we're back!

Brigid Pride: I am having gratitude for your return!

the plant...: Your highness, you are sharing with Claude, correct? If so, I will gladly share with anyone who needs a partner.

D.A.B: yes, thank you dedue.

stabby boi: gay

king of meme: don't wear it out

Eagle 1: Anyway, now that everyone's here, I'm putting on the movie! I'm also opening a few new channels! #memes is a place for you to spam your memes, i finally made the #pokemon channel Dorothea and Annette were insisting we make for a while, and i also made a #dnd channel! Using +droll gets a bot to roll for you, so you don't have to worry about dice.

Eagle 2: my gf out here doing the goddesses work.

Eagle 1: :)

D.A.B: Claude are I are going to be holding some smash casuals while he teaches me how to play! Message in #smash if you want to join us. Keep in mind we're playing from just a switch screen though!

team mom: I'll be organising the food! Raphael, Claude was kind enough to buy you a bag of your own!

CHONK: Hell yeah!

iggle piggle: I'll just be painting the scenery. don't mind me :)

ayyy: hey Felix... wanna go for a walk ;))

stabby boi: what happened to you not having a crush on me from yesterday

ayyy: nothing...I just like teasing you >:)

D.A.B: sure

ayyy: :(

popcorn pisser: i will continue playing CAH with leonie! i must say, this game is quite fun, even if it is crude at times.

Hubert: for once, something I can agree with.

**#4am**

_24/02/20- 12:01am_

\-----------------

queen of meme: happy 24th! 

king of meme: dude

king of meme: this is a 4am chat

king of meme: my 4am chat >:(

queen of meme: currently freaking out

queen of meme: so you're irrelevant

teaching 101: Why, Hilda?

queen of meme: Chemistry hw due tmrw

queen of meme: wait

queen of meme: yh tmrw

teaching 101: It should only take an hour

queen of meme: not when u have 3 to do

teaching 101: that's your problem

queen of meme: :(

**#party_games**

_24/02/20- 12:16am_

\-----------------

Eagle 1: Who's free?

Eagle 2: You know I am <333

ayyy: me and Felix are

stabby boi: fuck off

teaching 101: i suppose

Galatea_Riding: I am!

D.A.B: Claude and I are! 

king of meme: how the new controller?

D.A.B: well it hasn't broken yet so that's a good sign!

king of meme: good

queen of meme: i would but chem hw

dxrkspikest: i am

send feet in dm: I suppose that I am.

jewalt senpai: ready 'n willing

king of meme: that's my line

jewalt senpai: perish

short king mama ayy: I'm here bc ashe fell asleep

popcorn pisser: I will join aswell :)

Eagle 1: Perfect! I propose a game of truth or dare!

king of meme: you're trying to kill me

king of meme: i know exactly what you're going to ask

Eagle 1: With that note, Professor, truth or dare?

teaching 101: I suppose I have to go for truth.

Eagle 1: hmm

Eagle 1: What's your opinion of Lady Rhea?

teaching 101: Well, she's my grandmother, and potentially my stepmother?

teaching 01: i respect her, but she does seem somewhat suspicious.

Eagle 1: That was surprisingly basic. 

teaching 101: leonie, truth or dare?

jewalt senpai: dare

teaching 101: I'm gonna give you my dad's number

jewalt senpai: o.o

king of meme: nut

jewalt senpai: ^^^

teaching 101: I'm not finished

teaching 101: i dmed it to you, send him this exact message with no context:

teaching 101: 'Hello Jewalt senpai! Can you send me footsie pics uwu? I wanna suck on ur toes daddy >:)'

jewalt senpai: i-

jewalt senpai: fine

Eagle 2: You're condoning this teach?

teaching 101: my father needs to know

jewalt senpai: ok sent

teaching 101: perish

short king mama ayy: you better tell us when he replies!!

jewalt senpai: i will

jewalt senpai: Ferdinand, truth or dare?

popcorn pisser: dare

jewalt senpai: ...

king of meme: oh no

jewalt senpai: kiss hubert on the cheek

popcorn pisser: whats? the forfeit?

jewalt senpai: uh edelgard?

Eagle 1: No forfeits

popcorn pisser: ...

popcorn pisser: fine

Galatea_Riding: saihgoiyernreng8nng9gnm

ayyy: LMAOOOO

stabby boi: the madman actually did it

Hubert: leonie

Hubert: meet me outside in 20 minutes

jewalt senpai: oh no

Eagle 1: Hubert. No.

Hubert: Fine. But this is your fault, Leonie.

popcorn pisser: why are you cupping your cheek?

Hubert: collecting the saliva to curse you

popcorn pisser: o.o

popcorn pisser: okay Ingrid

popcorn pisser: truth or dare

Galatea_Riding: Oh goodness, truth.

popcorn pisser: do u have a crush on someone

ayyy: ferdie pulling out the classics

Galatea_Riding: yes, i do

stabby boi: oof

ayyy: sdkjbdobhdsosksabsad WAIT WHAT

Eagle 2: Ingrid! WHom?

Galatea_Riding: I don't have to answer

ayyy: :(

Galatea_Riding: Felix truth or dare?

stabby boi: ew dare

Galatea_Riding: do you have a crush on someone?

Eagle 2: 👀

stabby boi: ...

stabby boi: maybe

ayyy: i fucking knew you had it for hubert

stabby boi: fuck off

Galatea_Riding: I'm surprised he actually admitted it

stabby boi: is it that hard to believe?

Eagle 1: No, you're just not usually the most expressive person is all

short king mama ayy: yeah you say like nothing but insults

stabby boi: die

stabby boi: both of you

stabby boi: anyway Edelgard truth or dare

Eagle 1: Truth.

stabby boi: did you have a crush on the professor when they first joined

teaching 101: what

Eagle 1: In all honesty, I did. You can't deny that they're attractive. I mean that as a compliment.

teaching 101: uhhh? thanks, i guess.

stabby boi: hmph

ayyy: cheer up bby

stabby boi: end yourself

Eagle 1: Claude, truth or dare

king of meme: uh dare

king of meme: be nice please

Eagle 1: give me a second

short king mama ayy: edelgard get over here I have one

Eagle 1: uh ok

Eagle 1: sdiudshiunrec9p8reyprgyr8en9er9n8

Eagle 2: Edie? You good?

Eagle 1: Claude, sit on Dimitri's lap for the rest of the game.

king of meme: uh ok? lol

D.A.B: i didn't consent to this

queen of meme: don't complain

queen of meme: anyway byleth

queen of meme: please help with hw

teaching 101: On my way! If Jeralt replies, @me :)

king of meme: ok teach

king of meme: anyway Lysi truth or dare

dxrkspikest: dare do you take me for a pussy or something

king of meme: let me call you kiddo for the rest of the night

dxrkspikest: fine

dxrkspikest: but if you wake up missing an arm you know why

king of meme: thanks kiddo

Eagle 1: Lysithea

Eagle 1: Deep breaths

dxrkspikest: imfine

dxrkspikest: Caspar, truth or dare?

short king mama ayy: dare cmon

dxrkspikest: wake up linhardt

short king mama ayy: ...

ayyy: ah

Galatea_Riding: i see that you have chosen death

king of meme: HE DID IT

D.A.B: did-did he just go back to sleep?

king of meme: don't do that again it hurts my back

D.A.B: sorry

short king mama ayy: he did

short king mama ayy: anyw Lorenz truth or dare

send feet in dm: dare

send feet in dm: i wanna fit in 

jewalt senpai: you do fit in

Eagle 2: just not in a crowd

king of meme: it's the hair

send feet in dm: :(

short king mama ayy: ok so

short king mama ayy: compliment claude]

send feet in dm: ugh

send feet in dm: even though you are far inferior to Edelgard, Dimitri, and myself, you are an adequate house leader.

king of meme: way to target my insecurities

send feet in dm: No apologies.

send feet in dm: Dorothea, truth or dare.

queen of meme: CHEMISTRY SUCKS

send feet in dm: do my homework

queen of meme: :(

Eagle 2: sorry

Eagle 2: truth

send feet in dm: What's the story behind your and Edelgard's relationship?

jewalt senpai: good question

Galatea_Riding: it kinda came out of nowhere

Eagle 2: Oh, it's a funny story

Eagle 2: Basically, one day i was going to the toilet at like 1am

Eagle 1: Dorothea please spare the details.

Eagle 2: No

Eagle 2: Anyway, I go and take a monster sht-like ladies do- and I leave and see Edelgard leave her room singing a song from an opera that i helped write

Eagle 2: I told her about the experience and she said that she wanted to try making a song as she wanted to experience it

Eagle 2: And she basically wrote a love song to me because apparently she 'found me hot for a while'.

king of meme: awe

ayyy: damn even Edelgard has more game than I do

stabby boi: Ingrid's grandma has more game than you

dxrkspikest: DAMN

popcorn pisser: Jesus his wig is on mars

ayyy: :(

Eagle 2: Edie?

Eagle 1: Just reliving the cringed love song.

Eagle 2: 'I love you you you you babe-ay'

Eagle 1: I will kill our children.

D.A.B: you two have children?

Eagle 2: Not yet

Eagle 1: Our future children.

Eagle 2: I love you too Edie <33333

short king mama ayy: 👀

Eagle 2: ANYWAY

Eagle 2: Sylvain truth or dare

ayyy: haha dare

Eagle 2: your worst pickup line. felix. go.

ayyy: Hey Felix? what if i put my minecraft bed... next to yours?

ayyy: haha... just kidding!

ayyy; ... unless? ;)

stabby boi: I'm gonna live in the nether

ayyy: why bc I'm hot?

stabby boi: no

send feet in dm: beds blow up in the nether

dxrkspikest: even Lorenz knew that one

ayyy: stop :( the ghasts are scary

D.A.B: Your imcompetence is scary.

Galatea_Riding: dsljcfho;newuorno

jewalt senpai: did Ingrid just turn into keysmash lady

Eagle 1: No, she got hit by Sylvain's flying wig.

ayyy: fuck you Dimitri truth or dare.

D.A.B: I suppose I'll go for dare.

ayyy: ask out your crush.

D.A.B:...

popcorn pisser: do it

Galatea_Riding: do it pussy

stabby boi: go on

D.A.B: I'll dm them

D.A.B: promise that I'll do it

ayyy: hmm sure

** @D.A.B <\----> @king of meme **

_24/02/20- 1.19am_

_\-----------------_

D.A.B: uh

king of meme: lemme guess

king of meme: need a pick-up line?

D.A.B: Claude.

D.A.B: I think I'm in love with you.

king of meme: ...

king of meme: why

D.A.B: why?

king of meme: why me?

king of meme: everything i do with you gets fucked up somehow

king of meme: like with the controller or the police

D.A.B: it's not your fault

king of meme: it is

king of meme: it's not just a coincidence nor is it the first time

D.A.B: elaborate

king of meme: remember that time when me u and edelgard nearly got mugged because we got split off from the rest of the group before jeralt and the professor showed up

king of meme: that was my idea

king of meme: or that time we threw a surprise party for you which made you really anxious because you thought everyone had forgotten your birthday

king of meme: the surprise was mine and hilda's idea

D.A.B: that's probably just a coincidence

king of meme: doubt

king of meme: look

king of meme: you're a sweetheart and you're funny and hot and just generally amazing

king of meme: but you deserve _better_ than meghuyfhr

king of meme:jshoh

king of meme: ???? what's with the hug 

D.A.B: Claude, I don't care if it might be bad for me. In fact, I want to prove that it's not bad for me. 

D.A.B: I care about you a lot. Maybe more any of my other close friends. Honestly, it would hurt me more to not have you instead of dealing with problems with you by my side.

king of meme: the T+D people are staring

king of meme: but fine

king of meme: but when you get hurt and I fuck it up and i make you hate me

king of meme: I'm sorry in advance.

D.A.B: Don't worry, Claude. If anything like that happens, we'll deal with it together.

king of meme: I don't deserve you

D.A.B: just be quiet and hug me

king of meme: ...

king of meme: ok

**#party_games**

_24/02/20- 1:21am_

\-----------------

D.A.B: i did it

king of meme: he did it

Eagle 1: And I take the fact that you just leant in closer and you're both bright red and Claude's crying earlier as evidence that it worked?

king of meme: uwu

D.A.B: I think that we're going to leave the game and just sort things out :)

king of meme: yeah we dippin

Eagle 2: have a good night gays lol

ayyy: gay 

Galatea_Riding: gay

stabby boi: gay

Eagle 1: Well, if those two have left, my primary goal for hosting the T+D has been achieved. We can do something else or we can go to sleep.

Eagle 2: I'm sleeping. Bedtime. 

Eagle 1: Well, in that case, I'll sleep too. Try to close up soon please, everybody :)

** #general **

_24/02/20- 6:30am_

_\-----------------_

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

teaching 101: @everyone

CHONK: we get it we're awake

teaching 101: good. some of you have homework to do today that's due tomorrow. We need to get the classroom tidied ASAP or Rhea is gonna kill me.

teaching 101: also, read up on #party_games. You're welcome :)

queen of meme: OIHSDFHOUIDSFNOIHREHHEGPHFDFCHHMPHGDHMSGH

queen of meme: I FUCKING KNEW IT

** #general **

_24/02/20- 7:30am_

_\-----------------_

teaching 101: thank you for tidying everyone. I will be at the fishing pond if needed :)

dxrkspikest: y'all ever notice how the professor has such a drastic personality switch at night?

iggle piggle: ?

cinnamon roll: elaborate, please!

dxrkspikest: they always seem so like

dxrkspikest: depressed and like they've given up

queen of meme: they faceplanted at least 30 times when we were doing hw last night

jewalt senpai: SPEAKING OF WHICH @TEACHING 101

jewalt senpai: JERALT REPLIED WITH 'Sothis, is this you? I told Byleth to get you to stop teasing me.'

teaching 101: joifjifdj

teaching 101: As context, Sothis is my cousin.

bedtime: isn't that also the name of the goddess of Rhea's church? 

teaching 101: Yes.

teaching 101: Aelfric is a weird dad.

Eagle 2: Big oof.

teaching 101: Anyways, reply as you wish :).

jewalt senpai: i will u gave me too much power

send feet in dm: oh lord.

D.A.B: Morning everyone! I hope that you're having a good day. If you can drop off the blankets at mine next time you get the chance. I'll probably be in all day.

Galatea_Riding: hmm i wonder what you're doing

ayyy: hmm

popcorn pisser: i wonder

king of meme: cease

stabby boi: you two are already as insufferable as Sylvain. Maybe more.

ayyy: my medal :( bby why.

stabby boi: i changed my mind

ayyy: ayyy

D.A.B: Yes, Claude will be with me unless he decides to leave. We're still trying to work out this 'relationship' thing, so be patient.

Hubert: It surely can't be that hard.

Eagle 1: No, it is. Trust me, you have to learn how to get comfortable with a lot of things. Being able to do so much PDA with Dorothea took a lot of hard work.

Eagle 2: Love you <333

Eagle 1: <333

king of meme: also sylvain

king of meme: remember that bet we made on your birthday when I'm pretty sure you were drunk

ayyy: no

king of meme: huh

king of meme: well you owe me $20

ayyy: actually i never give over $10 in a bet

king of meme: there were 2: i get a b/gf b4 u and dimi gets a b/gf b4 u

king of meme: It's a two for one!

ayyy: smh

ayyy: Dimitri I'm coming over

D.A.B: got it!

**@queen of meme <\----> @king of meme**

_24/02/20- 7:48am_

_\-----------------_

queen of meme: how could you go and get urself boyfriended when i was doing homework

king of meme: blame sylvain

king of meme: and tbh i didn't really wanna do it at first

queen of meme: lmao why

king of meme: i don't wanna worry him

king of meme: but he convinced me 

king of meme: and now i uwu

queen of meme: as long as you're happy i guess.

queen of meme: btw I'm coming over 

king of meme: why?

queen of meme: got a blanket 

king of meme: as long as you don't kill dimi

queen of meme: i wont tf

king of meme: ok sure

queen of meme: :)

king of meme: ily2 lol

** #general **

_24/02/20- 8:34am_

_\-----------------_

Eagle 2: Claude

king of meme: whut

Eagle 2: Can you put the minecraft serve back up? Edie's never played it

Eagle 1: And I have no interest to!

Eagle 2: Fight me

king of meme: lmao i will tomorrow

king of meme: make a minecraft channel in the meantime

Eagle 2: I will show you the wonders of my blocky heaven

Eagle 1: Doubt.

king of meme: trust the minecraft, edelgard

queen of meme: you will be amazed

** @teaching 101 <\----> @bladebreaker17 **

_24/02/20- 8:42am_

_\-----------------_

bladebreaker17: byleth help

teaching 101: lmao wu dad

bladebreaker17: how do i block leonie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dimiclaude dimiCLAUDE DIMICLAUDE
> 
> my babies uwu
> 
> also i haven't decided what I'm doing next chapter yet, but hey? still hope you have a good day lol


	5. what happens in gay club stays in gay club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ayyy: heyy
> 
> short king mama ayy: a new channel?
> 
> Galatea_Riding: gay club? fitting.
> 
> popcorn pisser: what is this?
> 
> Eagle 2: new private channel
> 
> Eagle 2: only people w/ the gay role can access it
> 
> short king mama ayy: who are??
> 
> Eagle 2: me edie Claude Dimitri sylvain ingrid caspar Ferdinand and hilda
> 
> ayyy: we all have something in common ;)))
> 
> Galatea_Riding: we're gay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so as a quick timeframe:  
> the marihilda arc should be done in the next chapter  
> faculty gc is in either the next chapter or the one after that  
> ashen wolves should be introduced in chap 7-9  
> minecraft chap before chap 10, at least partially
> 
> enjoy!

** #general **

_24/02/20- 1:24pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: why does everyone do extra stuff on a sunday

Eagle 2: It's fun!

king of meme: what are you even doing

Eagle 2: school production

Eagle 2: backstage atm

king of meme: have fun lol

Eagle 2: we could always use more extras ;)

king of meme: ...

king of meme: I'll think about it

Eagle 2: thanks!

queen of meme: I'll join

queen of meme: as long as i don't have to sing

Eagle 2: you don't! it's just the first time I'm acting for the school so having friends join means a lot<33

queen of meme: ayy ok

queen of meme: need smthn to do lol

Eagle 2: anyw I'm due on! hilda, Claude, dm me apps if you're sure xx

king of meme: if want to

king of meme: anyw hilda wanna do something lol

queen of meme: ?

queen of meme: y'all hear something

king of meme: :(

king of meme: what did i even do to piss you off

queen of meme: remember when we were in elementary and we pledged to never lie to each other?

queen of meme: and then a few years later when you promised that you'd tell me immediately if you got a bf

king of meme: oh

king of meme: I'm sorry i thought you were reading the chat

queen of meme: you could see me pulling my hair out over how on the other side of the room

queen of meme: even an @ would've been nice

king of meme: ok

king of meme: sorry

queen of meme: accepted

queen of meme: but why did you feel like you couldn't trust me?

queen of meme: y'know with your crush

king of meme: tbh i wasn't too sure of it myself

king of meme: well not that i wasn't sure of it

king of meme: I'll just dm you the confession screenshots

king of meme: should explain it

queen of meme: kk

**@queen of meme <\----> @king of meme**

_24/02/20- 1:31pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: (link) _gaypanic.png_

king of meme: (link) _gaypanic(1).png_

king of meme: (link) _gaypanic(2).png_

queen of meme: oh

queen of meme: fuck

queen of meme: sorry if i was insensitive

king of meme: yeah dw

king of meme: tbh I'm still kinda unsure

king of meme: i'd feel horrible if i get him hurt again

queen of meme: tbh i understand

queen of meme: but we love you Claude :( don't put urself down like that

queen of meme: Doctors orders

king of meme: ok then 'doctor'

queen of meme: bitch i have a Ph.D in minecraft

king of meme: valid

queen of meme: anyw now that i don't hate you out of spite

queen of meme: i have a plan

king of meme: elaborate

queen of meme: date plan w/ mari

king of meme: you actually admit to having a crush on her?

queen of meme: ...

queen of meme: i do so regularly in dm do you not read my messages

king of meme: only the short ones

queen of meme: explains a lot

queen of meme: anyway, holst knows a guy who runs a barn-restaurant thingy on a farm

queen of meme: we've been there and it's hella cute

queen of meme: anyw hit him up and he's getting the owner to give us a tour of the farm from horseback

king of meme: ,

king of meme: you have game

queen of meme: ikr uwu

queen of meme: more than u anyway

queen of meme: anyw get your ass up to my room we leave in two hours

king of meme: asdfghjkl

king of meme: coming holy shit

** @teaching 101 <\----> @bladebreaker17 **

_24/02/20- 1:34pm_

_\-----------------_

bladebreaker17: please i am begging you

teaching 101: just look it up

bladebreaker17: how do i block leonie??????

teaching 101: did you even read my message

bladebreaker17: just tell me byleth

bladebreaker17: or you're grounded

teaching 101: I'm 21

teaching 101: and i deserve leverages since ur fucking mom's mom

bladebreaker17: i'm-

bladebreaker17: fine but at least tell her to stop

bladebreaker17: she's requested foot pics at least 4 times now

teaching 101: lmao attagirl

bladebreaker17: :(

**SMS: You to Leonie Pinelli ( _click here for more info)_**

_24/02/20- 1:36pm_

\-------------------

Leonie Pinelli: Anyways Captain, how do you train the new riders! I'm really interested!

Leonie Pinelli: You used to do it by walking by our side and helping but now I see that you stand further off!

You: it's changed, i don't work with new recruits nowadays

You: i just help the main team train

Leonie Pinelli: That reminds me! When I saw you before Garreg Mach, you said i was good enough to join a team when I'm older! when are tryouts?

You: oh, they're next tuesday

Leonie Pinelli: cool, see you then daddy! Ɛ>

You: why do i even bother

** #general **

_24/02/20- 3:30pm_

_\-----------------_

queen of meme: hey everyone, Mari and I are going out so we won't be in the Monastery until like 9! Sorry if anyone needed us tonight!

Eagle 1: I see. Have a good night, ladies!

king of meme: dimi are you out of soccer yet

king of meme: taking that as a no

the plant...: it lasts until 6pm.

king of meme: oh God thanks dedue

cinnamon roll: i have a question!

iggle piggle: what is it?

cinnamon roll: does anyone else feel like they're being watched from the drains all the time

CHONK: yeah! it's weird!

team mom: oh my! i watched a movie about that once. I believe it was called 'that.'

ayyy: it. you mean it.

bernie: what?

bernie: sajisaiuashneen98ecemn pennywise is gonna kill me

bernie: I'm not coming out of my room ever again see u on the other side

Hubert: hmph. I am sure it is nothing more than your imagination.

bedtime: no its real lol

bedtime: the library down there is amazing it has all the shit seteth bans

short king mama ayy: he's lying

babey owo: idk is he??

short king mama ayy: he's on the bed smiling like an idiot

bedtime: that would be because i just got a naptime alarm

dxrkspikest: of course you did

Brigid Pride: I am having the confusion! What is a 'Pennywise' and why is it doing the killing of Bernadetta?

king of meme: Petra m'dear

king of meme: my dms are open ;)

Brigid Pride: i have gratitude!

Eagle 1: For fuck's sake, Claude.

king of meme: what?

Eagle 1: You know what

king of meme: sure i do

iggle piggle: uhhh what videogame character should i paint for my instagram?

babey owo: you have an insta?

CHONK: yeah! he posts his art and he has like 25k followers!

team mom: yeah! his username is @victorpaints

babey owo: who knew about this

iggle piggle: i only told Raphael and Hilda

iggle piggle: anyone else found it on their own ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

iggle piggle: but just because i have a lot of followers doesn't mean I don't care about you guys!

jewalt senpai: you better care about us lmao

iggle piggle: I do! unlike a lot of those people, i know you guys personally! <3

team mom: bless

cinnamon roll: that's adorable, Ignatz!

iggle piggle: :D

popcorn pisser: ignatz! draw a kid icarus character!

send feet in dm: yes, indeed. it is a rather *ahem* _divine_ series!

dxrkspikest: who gave those two rights

iggle piggle: uhm okay! I'll draw palutena!

iggle piggle: see you all when I'm finished!

Galatea_Riding: i can see that everyone's having fun

Galatea_Riding: I'm not.

team mom: oh no! what's wrong, Ingrid?

Galatea_Riding: oh don't worry it's not your problem mercedes

team mom: But I want to help you! :)

babey owo: what did Felix and Sylvain do?

Galatea_Riding: sylvain decided to help Felix with his fencing

Galatea_Riding: sylvain has no experience in fencing

Eagle 2: he got stabbed too hard didn't he

Galatea_Riding: well less stab and more nastily bruised

Galatea_Riding: either way someone come help me at the training grounds

team mom: on my way!

Galatea_Riding: thanks, Mercedes :)

**@ayyy <\----> @Eagle 2**

_24/02/20- 4:12pm_

_\-----------------_

ayyy: dorothea

Eagle 2: you're alive!!

ayyy: yeah

Eagle 2: I can't believe you nearly got killed by your boyfriend

ayyy: shush

ayyy: i didn't think fencing would be so hard

Eagle 2: and then if the poles were any sharper you would've been stabbed

ayyy: die

Eagle 2: anyway what do you want

ayyy: so I surmised that there are a large amount of unromantic idiots in our school

ayyy: so i wanted you to make a private channel with all the disaster ones

Eagle 2: valid

Eagle 2: whom?

ayyy: me, u and edie can come, Claude and Dimitri can set examples, hilda, ferdie, ingrid, and caspar

Eagle 2: ferdie??? with who

ayyy: Hubert it's lowkey obvious that he likes him

Eagle 2: i'm-

Eagle 2: oh my God i SEE it

ayyy: it's like when he bought those coffee beans the other day

Eagle 2: oh my God i have been so blind

Eagle 2: we were just making fun of him??? without knowing??

ayyy: lmao

Eagle 2: I'm guessing we're shipping caspie with ashe 

ayyy: yeah

ayyy: the other day they were in the lions classroom just watching cat images on the monitor

ayyy: pretty sure they were cuddling

Eagle 2: oh lord

Eagle 2: and Ingrid??

ayyy: she admitted she has a crush yesterday in T+D

ayyy: and if you read what happened earlier I've got a hunch it's Mercedes

ayyy: she seems to care about her a lot

ayyy: even more than me :(

Eagle 2: oof

Eagle 2: honestly shocked you're admitting you like Felix

ayyy: pretty sure everyone ships me with him anyway

ayyy: and I'm only asking for this so i can get advice from fellow disaster gays in confidentiality

Eagle 2: fair

Eagle 2: anyway I'm surprised a himbo like you is so good at pairing people

ayyy: idk it's like the only thing I'm good at

Eagle 2: true

Eagle 2: I'll make the chat once I finished reviewing our rehearsals today. Are you coming to the performance??

ayyy: oh the play ur in

ayyy: yeah i will

Eagle 2:: thank u

Eagle 2: see you on the chat in an hour ;)

** #gayclub **

_24/02/20- 5:00pm_

_\-----------------_

ayyy: heyy

short king mama ayy: a new channel?

Galatea_Riding: gay club? fitting.

popcorn pisser: what is this?

Eagle 2: new private channel

Eagle 2: only people w/ the gay role can access it

short king mama ayy: who are??

Eagle 2: me edie Claude Dimitri sylvain ingrid caspar Ferdinand and hilda

ayyy: we all have something in common ;)))

Galatea_Riding: We're gay?

ayyy: yeah

ayyy: more importantly we like someone 

popcorn pisser: I do not understand?

popcorn pisser: who do i have a crush on?

Eagle 2: Hubert

popcorn pisser: no???

popcorn pisser: i am honoured to be a part of this exclusive chat but I have nothing in common with you all

popcorn pisser: I'm here to help you all with your crushes though :)

Eagle 2: hm sure

short king mama ayy: wait why am i here?

ayyy: it's better to realise it yourself

short king mama ayy: uh okay?

Galatea_Riding: you??? sylvain

Galatea_Riding: are you actually gonna say it

ayyy: i like Felix

Galatea_Riding: ??sdfggdssv

short king mama ayy: you admitted it!

popcron pisser: i'm proud that you have finally realised your feelings! :)

ayyy: pretty much everyone has except for him

ayyy: but keep it to this chat to save me embarassment

Eagle 2: What happens in gay club stays in gay club

Galatea_Riding: okay! well, it's my turn to confess, huh?

Galatea_Riding: I like...someone. I'm not going to name names, and I'm rather that you didn't, but she's really kind! And she tries to show me the interest in 'girly' things and even though i don't like them they suit her really well and she tries really hard and it's adorable and uh yeah

ayyy: hm i wonder who it is short king mama ayy: you know? who is it?

ayyy: you heard ingrid i won't say who

ayyy: but if you look hard you'll figure it out

short king mama ayy: :(

Galatea_Riding: thanks, Sylvain.

ayyy: :)

queen of meme: djdjdkw

popcorn pisser: are you okay, Hilda?

queen of meme: help I can’t 

ayyy: ?

king of meme: did you push Marianne of a horse?

short king mama ayy: you monster

queen of meme: of course I didn’t dumbass

queen of meme: I just didn’t account for her being so damned adorable 

Galatea_Riding: so you two are out on a date then?

queen of meme: as close to a date one can get without it being romantic yet

queen of meme: we’re eating rn and holy shit she looks! so! happy!

short king mama ayy: where are you?

queen of meme: this farm restaurant

popcorn pisser: ah! a date! congratulations

queen of meme: thanks ferdie

queen of meme: tho it's just pals hanging out

queen of meme: for now

ayyy: ;)))

Galatea_Riding: congratulations!

queen of meme: anyw brb gonna go ride a massive one

short king mama ayy: that’s what she said

ayyy: ?? i thought you were getting with marianne

Eagle 2: let her have her fun

**#general **

_24/02/20- 5:49pm_

_\-----------------_

Brigid Pride: I am having the understanding!

Brigid Pride: A Pennywise is a clown living in the sewers!

Brigid Pride: And it is from a celebration called the 'Hall of weens!"

king of meme: you've got it sweetie

iggle piggle: well mostly

Brigid Pride: When is this "Hall of weens?" i would like to be going!

jewalt senpai: sorry Petra, it's not for another 8 months

Brigid Pride: I am having sadness :(

king of meme: _she's learning_

CHONK: she'll be one of us soon

dxrkspikest: please don't corrupt petra

king of meme: worried we'll corrupt your innocent mind kiddo?

dxrkspikest: you. me. fencing arena. 15 minutes.

dxrkspikest: i'll show you who the kid is.

king of meme: i'll have to pass

short king mama ayy: where even are you claude?

king of meme: waiting outside the soccer pitch

king of meme: not allowed to watch training

stabby boi: oh no, you're not able to see your boyfriend for 3 fucking seconds. get a life

babey owo: FELIX! BE NICE

stabby boi: ok sorry

king of meme: wow thanks

bedtime: claude you look really sad right now

king of meme: ???

cinnamon roll: it's the sewers

short king mama ayy: they said you were a madman

bedtime: surprisingly perceptive

Hubert: You're in the sewers?

Hubert: You lubberwort. Please have a shower before contacting Lady Edelgard.

bedtime: hey I'll tell the rat people you said that

bedtime: they'll have your head

Hubert: try me

Eagle 2: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Eagle 1: Why do I always come back to such a mess?

Eagle 1: Dorothea. Hubert. Linhardt.

Eagle 1: Babe, don't condone this. It encourages everyone to get up to even more shit.

Eagle 1: Hubert, you're better than this. Don't stoop down to their level.

Eagle 1: And Linhardt. Get the fuck out of the sewers.

Eagle 2: sorry edie sad uwu

Hubert: My apologies, Lady Edelgard. I will go do something useful.

popcorn pisser: i need help with my chemistry homework

send feet in dm: isn't that due tomorrow

popcorn pisser: I'm a disaster

popcorn pisser: a handsome one, but a disaster

Hubert: Agreed.

babey owo: ???

teaching 101: As expected.

short king mama ayy: unexpected

the plant...: Professor, do not condone this.

Hubert: I do not see what is so unexpected. He truly is a disaster, and nothing alike Lady Edelgard.

Hubert: Still, I will help you, Ferdinand. No need to thank me.

popcorn pisser: thank you, Hubert :)

Hubert: hmph.

Eagle 1: That was gay.

team mom: Oh, very so! I hope they realise their feelings soon!

ayyy: me @ someone else

Galatea_Riding: Me @ you and Felix

stabby boi: die

ayyy: :(

Eagle 2: anywayy

Eagle 2: what the FUCK is a LUBBERWORT

jewalt senpai: ashfhij i just realised

ayyy: huberts a weird one

iggle piggle: _In the 16th century, **lubberwort** was the name of an imaginary plant that was supposed to cause sluggishness or stupidity, and ultimately came to be used as a nickname for a lethargic, fuzzy-minded person._

Brigid Pride: I am not having understanding. Why is the plant imaginary yet Hubert used it? Surely it would have no effect?

Eagle 2: No, Petra, it's a saying. He's calling Lin sluggish and stupid, not cursing him with it.

Brigid Pride: Ah! Thank you, Dorothea! <3

Brigid Pride: that is how I do the love, correct?

Eagle 2: That's right, sweetie! <3

Eagle 1: Ladies.

Eagle 2: Edie chill we're friends

Eagle 1: Of course. Sorry. :)

king of meme: dang she mad

dxrkspikest: CLAUDE! IT'S TIME FOR OUR DUEL! @king of meme

D.A.B:??? is there something I've kissed?

D.A.B: *missed

king of meme: 1: me pls

king of meme: 2: a lot read up

D.A.B: ok

D.A.B: ...oh

D.A.B: Claude, if you can refrain from calling Lysithea a child? She is not too young compared to the rest of us.

king of meme: if you agree to kiss me again

D.A.B: deal

short king mama ayy: ew go to the gay channel

Eagle 1: Gay channel?

Eagle 2: i made a channel for a few pining idiots to pine! hope you don't mind <333

Eagle 1: Ah, I see. In the long run, that's probably extremely helpful.

king of meme: btw lin fell asleep in the sewer

king of meme: thought i'd tell you haha

Eagle 1: ????

short king mama ayy: CLAUDE VON RIEGAN GO HGET HIM RIGHRT NOW SynnDASfkIJHdiHDOP

king of meme: chill fine

short king mama ayy: :)

** #announcements **

_24/02/20- 7:19pm_

_\-----------------_

Eagle 2: @everyone

Eagle 2: New plans!!!! Listen!!!!

Eagle 1: What are they?

Eagle 2: 1: Since Petra wanted to go to Halloween earlier, myself and Bernadetta have been organising a dressup party to simulate it! It's got a sort of RPG theme and might end up being an extra elaborate game of DND, so when we're done planning! we'll say more!

Eagle 2: @bernie this is when you say your bit

bernie: AHHH WHAT DID I DO IM SORRY

bernie: oh wait yeah what dorothea said

bernie: it probably won't be for like 3 weeks but I've enjoyed designing it with the RPG theme!

bedtime: sounds tiring

popcorn pisser: silence, lubberwort.

Hubert: for once, I don't despise you.

popcorn pisser: Thanks, Hubie! :)

Eagle 2: 👀

king of meme: 👀

Brigid Pride: 👀

CHONK: 👀

team mom: 👀

team mom: Annie? am i doing it right?

babey owo: yep! nice one mercie!

babey owo: 👀

popcorn pisser: you are all so immature. we don't constantly argue, like you think. Just as with everyone in the Black Eagle house, we are friends :)

Hubert: debatable

Eagle 2: friends huh

ayyy: @stabby boi this could be us but u playin

stabby boi: i will end your life

Galatea_Riding: worth a shot

popcorn pisser: anyways! as i was saying! we should thank bernadetta for helping to organise the party! please send an <3 to bless @bernie :3

king of meme: <3

jewalt senpai: <3

iggle piggle: <3

CHONK: <3

send feet in dm: <3

dxrkspikest: <3

Eagle 1: <3

Eagle 2: <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Hubert: I'd rather express my thanks in words. While I do not enjoy 'partying', I am glad to see you happy, I suppose.

popcorn pisser: acceptable

Brigid Pride: <3

short king mama ayy: <3

D.A.B: <3

ayyy: <3;)

stabby boi: thanks

team mom: <3 we love you, bernadetta!

babey owo: <3

cinnamon roll: <3 :)

the plant...: <3

Galatea_Riding: <3

bernie: agh guys you don't have to! but thanks!

popcorn pisser: anytime!

send feet in dm: anyways, Dorothea, you said you have two announcements. Could I, the reputed Lorenz Hellman Gloucester help with it?

Eagle 2: if you want hehe

cinnamon roll: what is it?

Eagle 2: the applications for the next school musical are up! you don't need to act, but help is appreciated in music/set design/costumes etc. I'd love to have you all with me! I'm playing the main and titular role obviously, but that doesn't mean you can't be important too!

iggle piggle: that sounds cool! i might join in backstage :)

short king mama ayy: uh okay what's the musical?

Eagle 2: uh

Eagle 2: Shrek

king of meme: ...

ayyy: _Shrek?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dorothea is shrek ok she's vibing  
> anyw uh costume party! eventually! but after the stuff in the beginning note  
> also someone please get lin out of the sewer I'm begging you  
> see you next time! <3


	6. faculty groupchat? more like family groupchat-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> king of meme: dude i'm so tired
> 
> bernie: elaborate?? please??
> 
> king of meme: oh hi bernie
> 
> king of meme: anyw i thought i just saw hilda's brother walk across the quad lmao
> 
> queen of meme: wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this chapter has like a support group! kinda thing! it makes references to past trauma and stuff so if you don't like stuff like that don't read the bit on the 'Support Group' server (server names are in brackets and bold italic)
> 
> enjoy!

** #announcements **

_24/02/20- 7:24pm_

_\-----------------_

Eagle 1: Dorothea, I beg you.

Eagle 1: Do not wear that horrendous Shrek costume.

Eagle 2: are u saying you only like me bc of my looks :(

Eagle 1: Of course not! It's just that the character's design would look revolting on you.

ayyy: is she... dissing shrek?

king of meme: and you wonder why we don't let you on the minecraft server

Eagle 2: This is my culture now, and you call it revolting? :((( </3

Eagle 1: For fuck's sake.

Eagle 1: You actually set the minecraft server back up? 

Eagle 2: I wanted to play with Petra! qwq

Brigid Pride: I am not having the understanding. What is wrong with Mine craft?

Eagle 1: Felix literally stabbed Sylvain.

Eagle 1: Hilda declared war on Dedue and Hubert.

Eagle 1: Bernadetta didn't leave her room for 3 (3) weeks because she was scared Caspar was going to poke her eyes out

Eagle 1: That game brings out the worst in everyone

bernie: ghhh im sorry i didnt mean to annoy you

short king mama ayy: no it's my fault

short king mama ayy: i was a bitch

popcorn pisser: Black Eagle solidarity!

Eagle 2: Anyways, Edie, me being Shrek likely isnt a permanent arrangement. It's just like that until we find someone else willing to fill the role :)

Eagle 1: That makes more sense.

Eagle 1: Anyway, we have class tomorrow, so the 10pm curfew will be in effect tonight. I am sure the professor will tell you all later, but make sure you are in the dorm buildings by that time. Remember the chemistry homework due tomorrow!

send feet in dm: Hilda did an exquisite job on it! if yyou want the (doubtlessly) correct answers, here they are!

send feet in dm: (link) _chem!.png_

iggle piggle: umm i dont think that the formula for water is H2SO4

send feet in dm: do not try to make my answers wrong! i will block you!

CHONK: Isn't it H2O? That's what she put on mine!

send feet in dm: silence!

king of meme: pfft

dxrkspikest: hilda got him

D.A.B: Claude? Can you get me a glass of water?

king of meme: you're literally sitting on my bed get it yourself

D.A.B: But you're standing up :(

king of meme: fine

Brigid Pride: is anyone else hearing the screaming from the bathhouse?

Eagle 1: Yes, I did. Who was it?

Hubert: Don't bother, Lady Edelgard. It was Caspar. Hopefully he drowned.

popcorn pisser: Hubert! Be nice!

Hubert: I will be nice only when necessary.

short king mama ayy: :(

short king mama ayy: anyw linhardt just fell asleep as I was filling up the bath and i thought he drowned or something

Galatea_Riding: gay

the plant...: Why are you sharing a bath?

short king mama ayy: we aint i'm just making him one since he cba to

ayyy: still gay

short king mama ayy: he's? my best friend?

short king mama ayy: who's also ace let me remind you??

babey owo: Fair.

team mom: Linhardt is lucky to have a friend who cares so much! 

short king mama ayy: I try.

**@cinnamon roll <\----> @Eagle 2**

_24/02/20- 7:46pm_

_\-----------------_

cinnamon roll: dorothea?

Eagle 2: Yes that's me 🌸

cinnamon roll: do you mind if i ask you a question?

cinnamon roll: i don't mean to be rude but you seem to be the expert on love around here :)

Eagle 2: Of course, what is it :)

cinnamon roll: um well

cinnamon roll: i'm really jealous

cinnamon roll: of caspar and linhardt's relationship

cinnamon roll: They're really close and everything.

cinnamon roll: and i think i want to be that way!

cinnamon roll: with caspar

Eagle 2: aashnsdnvunvuh you BABY

cinnamon roll: ?

cinnamon roll: are you making fun of me :(

Eagle 2: asyasuy NO

Eagle 2: THATS JUST ADORABLE

cinnamon roll: oh

cinnamon roll: :)

Eagle 2: ok so

Eagle 2: you wanna start talking to him about your other interests

Eagle 2: cats are great and all but he needs to know more about YOU and then he'll open up aswell

Eagle 2: chances are you''ll get closer and eventually things will fall into place :)

Eagle 2: just don't be jealous of linhardt aswell lol

cinnamon roll: will do! thank you, dorothea!

Eagle 2: anytime :D

**@cinnamon roll <\----> @short king mama ayy**

_24/02/20- 8:13pm_

_\-----------------_

cinnamon roll: caspar?

short king mama ayy: sup

cinnamon roll: would you like to go to the movies with me tomorrow?

cinnamon roll: but after classes are finished, of course! and you dont have to go if you dont want to

short king mama ayy: no it's cool i'll go

cinnamon roll: oh, okay! thank you! :)

short king mama ayy: looking forward to it :)

** #gayclub **

_24/02/20- 8:20pm_

_\-----------------_

short king mama ayy: hoKAY i might be a LITTLE gay

Eagle 1: As Dorothea would say,

Eagle 1: We been knew sis.

ayyy: murder

short king mama ayy: :(

**SMS: You to Leonie Pinelli ( _click here for more info)_**

_24/02/20- 8:30pm_

\-------------------

Leonie Pinelli: Good evening Captain! The team did really well tonight! I can't wait to try out on Tuesday!

You: Thanks. We worked really hard and i'm glad it payed off. I am really tired right now though.

Leonie Pinelli: If you want, I can come give you a back massage. I'm free ;)

You: that's really sweet of you but i'm good

Leonie Pinelli: Nope, I'm coming! See you in 5 <3

You: fuck off

** @teaching 101 <\----> @bladebreaker17 **

_24/02/20- 8:34pm_

_\-----------------_

bladebreaker17: byleth i beg you

teaching 101: no

bladebreaker17: why not >:(

teaching 101: to be honest

teaching 101: it's fucking hilarious

**#announcements **

_24/02/20- 9:16_ _pm_

_\-----------------_

queen of meme: skskskdoj guess who has an ANNOUNCEMENT

popcorn pisser: Wow i can't believe you pushed marianne off a horse and she died :(

Marianne <3333: um? she didn't?

queen of meme: just ignore him bby <3

queen of meme: anyWAY GUESS WHO JUST GOT THEMSELVES GIRLFRIENDED

Eagle 2: hhsgsafiyai congrats!

iggle iggle: congratulations!

CHONK: congrats!!!!

the plant...: my congratulations :)

queen of meme: asdfghjkl thank u <3333

Marianne <3333: hilda was really nice to me today :)

queen of meme: daijsiubdsv i love you mari :)

Marianne <3333: I love you too :)

teaching 101: Congratualations! I just want to remind everyone about the 10pm curfew, since it's a school day tomorrow. Also remember that the chem homework is due tomorrow! :)

queen of meme: hsjdhd thanks professor!!

queen of meme: @king of meme give me validation bitch

king of meme: what

king of meme: WAIT OH SHIT

king of meme: congrats!

queen of meme: >:)

**#gayclub **

_24/02/20- 9:27pm_

_\-----------------_

short king mama ayy: ok so congrats to hilda and all

queen of meme: uwu

short king mama ayy: but i'm pretty sure ashe? asked me on a date?

short king mama ayy: and i suddenly understand why i'm in here?

Eagle 2: didn't see that one coming

short king mama ayy: ?

Eagle 2: nothing :)

short king mama ayy: ok?

Galatea_Riding: I mean to be fair its ashe

ayyy: he's so nice he might of meant it as a friend thing

short king mama ayy: shush :(

** #general **

_24/02/20- 10:01_ _pm_

_\-----------------_

teaching 101: Remember that the 10pm curfew is now in effect! If you have to leave the dormitory block for one reason or another, feel free to message me! I'm playing Monopoly with a few friends so I'll probably be up late :)

ayyy: with who? i'd like to join ;)

teaching 101: My cousin Sothis, my dad, my uncle Aelfric, my Friend Gabe (he says hi to Annette and Mercedes!), and a certain someone who wishes to keep their identity private.

team mom: tell him we say hello too :)

babey owo: ^^

queen of meme: who is mystery guy over here?

teaching 101: you tell me >:)

teaching 101: and, no, sylvain, you can't join. Sothis is like 15, you're not hitting on her.

ayyy: :(

ayyy: but tbh i just really love monopoly

popcorn pisser: Sylvain is incredibly good at monopoly.

Galatea_Riding: he'd always win when we had games when were younger, even with all the adults around 

ayyy: what can i say? i'm blessed :)

stabby boi: sure

teaching 101: That reminds me! Edelgard, can you stay after class tomorrow? I plan to convince seteth about the benefits of discord for Flayn and you seem like the most reliable :)

Eagle 1: Will do!

Eagle 2: also, auditions are on tuesday night! gonna slide in rn ;)

jewalt senpai: i have a riding thing with the captain tuesday! sorry to disappoint :(

Eagle 2: dw 

Hubert: Please do not pull Lady Edelgard into this.

popcorn pisser: i thought you liked musicals? i caught you listening to the OST of 'Heathers' the other day.

popcorn pisser: not to mention you were singing along.

dxrkspikest: exposed

Hubert: You wound me, Ferdie.

Eagle 2: that name is copyrighted >:(

short king mama ayy: sorry, but since when do you call him ferdie anyways?

Brigid Pride: Ah! I understand! They are having the gay!

queen of meme: don't hide from the truth

stabby boi: ...

babey owo: i guess leaving solves all your problems huh?

team mom: Oh no, Annie, not you too D:

_**(garreg mach faculty (and friends) server)** _

** #general **

_24/02/20- 10:16_ _pm_

_\-----------------_

Archbitchop: @everyone 

bladebreaker17: you? didn't change your name?

Archbitchop: As much as I hate to admit it, it made Byleth laugh. And they remind me of Sitri so much- so if it makes them happy, I'm willing to keep it.

teaching 101: i'm right here y'know

Archbitchop: I know <3

Alois_R: here, Lady Rhea!

assassigaytion: we're here.

thunderstrikec: ^^^ <3

assassigaytion: you're insufferable, Cath.

thunderstrikec: :( <3

Casagranda: I'm here! And luckily, Hanneman seems not to be!

Crestology_Master: Present!

Casagranda: I spoke too soon :(

Seteth: Present, Lady Rhea.

Aelfric: I am here.

gxddess: lmao i'm here

Gilbert: On site, Lady Rhea.

SaintM: I'm here, but do we have to do this right now? I'm not really in the mood for speaking to some of you right now

SaintM: @SaintI

SaintI: Aw, come on! What did I ever do to you?

Archbitchop: When we were 7 and you threw his bird in a lake when it was sleeping because you wondered if it could swim

SaintI: You said you were over that!

SaintM: hmph.

dxathknight: Here.

Archbitchop: It is good to see you all :)

porridge or cyril?: dude my phone is blowing up

Archbitchop: It is bedtime.

porridge or cyril: :(

Archbitchop: Anyways, we have two new members of the chat. One of them is Byleth's friend, who was once a gatekeeper and is now a police officer. The other is the new Law and Politics teacher, who recently graduated, Holst Goneril.

\- **_nothingtoreport_** _just showed up. Hold my beer._

_- **pinktwink** just arrived. Seems OP - please nerf._

gxddess: i snorted

teaching 101: Holst what would Hilda think :(

pinktwink: Am I allowed to tell you to shut up?

pinktwink: because shut up :)

nothingtoreport: wow it has an attitude 👀

pinktwink: :(

Archbitchop: Anyways, Byleth, it is your duty to help Holst with his first day tomorrow. Take him into your lessons with the Golden Deer.

pinktwink: the golden deer? with hilda? 🥺

teaching 101: ayyy

pinktwink: looking! forward to it!

gxddess: anyw we're playing monopoly in bylie's quarters

gxddess: so if y'all wanna join get ur asses over here.

Seteth: that sounds delightful. Flayn and I will come.

teaching 101: hey seteth

teaching 101: come to the golden deer classroom after the schoolday ends

Seteth: okay?

_**(the hoes are in)** _

** #4am **

_25/02/20- 4:13 am_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: dude i'm so tired

bernie: elaborate?? please??

king of meme: oh hi bernie

king of meme: anyw i thought i just saw hilda's brother walk across the quad lmao

queen of meme: wild

queen of meme: is dimitri still with you

king of meme: he fell asleep on my bed

king of meme: currently in a blanket on the floor

bernie: uh! i have a sleeping bag! if you want!

king of meme: thanks bernie! :) coming to get it

** @king of meme <\---> @bernie **

_25/02/20- 4:19am_

_\-----------------_

bernie: uhhh claude

bernie: i have something to ask you

bernie: if thats okay!!

king of meme: ofc :)

bernie: ok so i remembered what happened on saturday

bernie: and the shit you've went through seems really bad!

bernie: and uh i run a support group server! for a few people!

bernie: i was wondering if maybe! you'd feel like you'd find it useful!

bernie: no pressure though!

king of meme: honestly, please.

king of meme: i still feel like absolute shit and that would prolly help.

bernie: ccool! i'll inv you then :)

_**(Support Group)** _

** #general **

_25/02/20- 4:13 am_

_\-----------------_

_-It's a bird! It's a plane! Nevermind, it's just **king of meme!**_

bernie: uh hi! claude!

king of meme: hi

bernie: so uh @everyone i invited claude! after what happened on saturday! hope you dont mind!

ayyy: ayy claudey my mans

king of meme: sylvain? ur here?

ayyy: yep

ayyy: what if i told you i'm severely depressed :)

king of meme: oh

ayyy: yeah, i've been through some abusive shit from my dad and brother. my dad more verbally, my brother more physically

ayyy: luckily my brother's disowned now that he blew up the house LMAO

bernie: he did? wat?

ayyy: long story

ayyy: anyw yeah my depressions gotten a lot better later but sometimes it just fucks me in the ass D:

king of meme: didn't know your depression was called felix

ayyy: :(

bernie: claude! bbe nice please!

king of meme: sorry lol

king of meme: what about you bernie?

bernie: uhhh

bernie: my dad! sucks! thatsalliwannasaysorry

king of meme: dw

king of meme: who else is here?

bernie: uh marianne, lysithea, dorothea, and dimitri

bernie: marianne's adopted and she has depression bc of shit that happened with her birth family

bernie: lysithea's terminal

bernie: dorothea was orphaned as was homeless for a fair chunk of her life

bernie: and dimitri was in a car crash that left him with severe trauma and killed his family and some close friends

king of meme: oh fuck

king of meme: u sure they're okay with you telling that?

ayyy: you could just scroll up

king of meme: true

bernie: anyw claude! can you like put your problem into words? maybe?

king of meme: uh idk if i can

bernie: ok! but it's not good to run from it! you'll have to face it eventually!

king of meme: fine

king of meme: i was isolated from most of my birth family at birth which left me with big abandonment issues AND i gpt racially abused by a bunch of noble pricks when growing up

bernie: ook! well done!

ayyy: proud of you bro :)

king of meme: ty

king of meme: feels good to get it off my chest.

bernie: :))) well you're welcome to stay!

king of meme: thanks bernie!!

_**(the hoes are in)** _

**#general **

_25/02/20- 7:32 am_

_\-----------------_

ayyy: dude i am so tired

D.A.B: don't be awake at 4am then

ayyy: :(

king of meme: dude i'm so tired

D.A.B: Are you okay? I'm sure you can take the day off if you need it!

ayyy: i'm-

Galatea_Riding: RIP Sylvain

jewalt senpai: can we get an f

popcorn pisser: f

short king mama ayy: f

cinnamon roll: f

Eagle 2: f

ayyy: :)

teaching 101: f :)

teaching 101: anyways, it's an hour until class begins. Get breakfast and get ready, the Golden Deer have a special guest today :)

queen of meme: special guest...?

king of meme: hilda are you thinking what i'm thinking

queen of meme: yep

queen of meme: tell me it's not true

teaching 101: see you in an hour!

** #deersquad **

_25/02/20- 8:15_ _am_

_\-----------------_

queen of meme: i am so scared

Marianne <3333: dont be! i'm here :) besides you said your brother was really nice right? i can't wait to meet him!

queen of meme: i guess? but what if he recalls some embarrassing memory from when i was like 12?

king of meme: dont worry

king of meme: lysithea lives that hell every day

dxrkspikest: who wants a tutorial on castration?

jewalt senpai: sure why not

iggle piggle: uhh lysithea don't! castrate! claude!

CHONK: DO IT DO IT DO IT

dxrkspikest: k

queen of meme: dienicuenvfenfvievfndfni

Marianne: hholy shit

jewalt senpai: did she just pull out a gun

dxrkspikest: I WONT HESITATE BITCH

king of meme: asdfghjkl is that a nerf gun

dxrkspikes: i'll put nails in the bullets.

king of meem: sorry lysi

send feet in dm: there we go! it wasn't that hard, was it?

king of meme: sure >:(

dxrkspikest: >:)

iggle piggle: did you guys see that?

CHONK: nope, what happened?

iggle piggle: professor jeritza just walked into the room and saw lysithea with the gun

iggle iggle: and then ran for his life screaming

send feet in dm: fascinating

queen of meme: women want her jeritza fears her

dxrkspikest: he can perish

dxrkspikest: bitch

king of meme: language

dxrkspikest: ...

jewalt senpai: oh no

** #blackeagles **

_25/02/20- 8:24_ _am_

_\-----------------_

short king mama ayy: ????

short king mama ayy; ddi u guys see that?

popcorn pisser: yep

Brigid Pride: i cannot believe that linhardt has crafted a cloning machine!

Eagle 1: What? Elaborate.

short king mama ayy: linhardt just climbed out of the sewers

short king mama ayy: and then a hotter linhardt with purple hair followed him

Eagle 2: way to do him dirty

Eagle 1: There were actually people?? In the sewers??

Eagle 2: I can't believe that the rats can become humans now

Eagle 1: Don't even joke about that.

popcorn pisser: uhhh @bedtime care to explain?

bedtime: oh that's just yuri

bedtime: the sewer king

Eagle 2: 'sewer king' why do i want to write a musical about this

Eagle 1: why did you decide to play shrek?

Eagle 2: can it

popcorn pisser: surely he can't leave the sewers or he'll give us coronavirus or something??

Hubert: thank goodness

bernie: aaghhh i dont want coronavirus!!!!!

bedtime: relax he just wanted to see rhea

bedtime: so i'll be late to class

Eagle 1: got it. thanks for the heads up, linhardt!

teaching 101: wait?

teaching 101: yuri? purple hair? annoying arrogant smirk that makes you wanna punch his face in?

bedtime: yh why

teaching 101: he went to the academy the same year as me?

teaching 101: wonder what he was doing in the sewer

Brigid Pride: he was doing Linhardt apparently.

Eagle 2: icoicsbibiucs

short king mama ayy: PETRA NO

bedtime: :(

Eagle 1: everyone, phones away! professor manuela's here! hope you have the chemistry homework :)

Eagle 2: FUCK

Eagle 2: I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've been replaying fates and i forgot how much i love shiro sksksk
> 
> have a good day!


	7. loud, reckless, and annoying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short king mama ayy: anyway uh i guess i'll just say it
> 
> short king mama ayy: Ashe kissed me and i didn't know how to react so i ran to the toilet
> 
> king of meme: i
> 
> king of meme: you what
> 
> short king mama ayy: you heard me
> 
> Galatea_Riding: GET THE FUCK BACK IN THERE
> 
> Galatea_Riding: NOW THE POOR THING IS PROBABLY ANXIOUS AS FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how quarantine going boys lol
> 
> sylvain gets pretty depresso later on so be careful!!
> 
> enjoy >.<

** #deersquad **

_25/02/20- 2:20pm_

_\-----------------_

queen of meme: I'M FUCKING DYING

queen of meme: I DO NOT KNOW THAT MAN

dxrkspikest: calm down lol

iggle piggle: I didn't know you were into the Powerpuff Girls!

queen of meme: THAT WAS 13 YEARS AGO DIHIHFNDJSDN

king of meme: haha you get bullied by holst haha

queen of meme: i'll tell him u had a crush on him

king of meme: i was 12

queen of meme: fight me >:(

send feet in dm: HILDA

send feet in dm: I FAILED THE HOMEWORK

queen of meme: I said i'd do the homework

queen of meme: not do it well

send feet in dm: :(

king of meme: haha funny lorenz roast

dxrkspikest: he deserves it tbh

dxrkspikest: the hair

send feet in dm: i'm leaving

king of meme: good riddance

_- **pinktwink** just arrived. Seems OP - please nerf._

queen of meme: OH NOOSODOKPODVPOPFVKFVDPMFDVFV

queen of meme: WHO DID IT

teaching 101: guilty

pinktwink: hilda :( ur not happy to see your big bwother 🥺

queen of meme: I WAS 7 

queen of meme: I'VE PUT THE POWERPUFF GIRLS BEHIND ME

pinktwink: I gave you a mug for your birthday last year and u said it was literally what you were dreaming for but okay

jewalt senpai: tea

queen of meme: :(

** #blackeagles **

_25/02/20- 2.20pm_

_\-----------------_

bedtime: ew i understood nothing of that

Eagle 1: Get to class on time then.

bedtime: yuri would've literally killed me

bedtime: he doesn't like it when people make a mess of the library

Eagle 2: ouch

Eagle 2: stabby rats

Hubert: Respectable rats.

short king mama ayy: threaten Linhardt and you lose your knees :(

popcorn pisser: y'all hear somethin

short king mama ayy: short jokes aren't funny

bedtime: anyway

Eagle 1: Who is Yuri, anyway?

bedtime: not where i was going with that

bedtime: he's the acting leader of the Ashen Wolves.

Eagle 1: The Ashen Wolves?

bedtime: A group of ex-students who protect the people in Abyss.

Eagle 1: Abyss?

bedtime: the underground housing society founded by Garreg Mach which hosts people vulnerable due to illness, familial conditions, or prejudice.

Eagle 1: And i'm only just hearing about this???

Eagle 1:@teaching 101 

teaching 101: it's quite wild

teaching 101: talking to Yuri rn about it

teaching 101: he said he wants to be added and that you have his tag linhardt

bedtime: mhmhm

\- _Welcome, **sneakybitch.** We hope your brought pizza._

Eagle 1: What a riveting nickname.

sneakybitch: did i ask you?

sneakybitch: anyway hi! i'm honestly surprised you havent noticed us prior considering sometimes we walk about?? on the surface??

Hubert: I'm not usually too attentive to those who don't concern lady Edelgard.

sneakybitch: either way

sneakybitch: we want to get more involved in the students bc most of us are actually student-aged

sneakybitch: well hapi and constance are

sneakybitch: i'm not and balthus is an old man LMAO

** #general **

_25/02/20- 2.24pm_

_\-----------------_

\- _Hey! **Oxymoron, ahuhuhuhu, and King of Grappling** joined your guild! _

sneakybitch: @everyone hi bitches we're here now deal with it

sneakybitch I'm your host Yuri, and we just walked into a whole-ass circus.

jewalt senpai: I'm-

king of meme: oho i like this one

queen of meme: agreed

sneakybitch: Do you? Well the name's Yuri, if you choose to believe it.

king of meme: The name's Claude, if _you_ choose to believe it. It's a popular name- all the mothers are raving over it. It's also a very popular fake name.

sneakybitch: hmm, i think we'll get along indeed.

king of meme: GD- 1. Now. Don't worry, the bf's sleeping.

sneakybitch: I see. I'll be there soon.

Eagle 2: 👀

Oxymoron: a new server? why

sneakybitch: quite frankly

sneakybitch: we need friends

ahuhuhuhu: agreed! If I, the radiant Constance Von Nuvelle, has no friends, my life must really be abysmal!

team mom: Constance? From the Nuvelle family?

ahuhuhuhu: yes?? would i happen to know you?

team mom: it's mercedes! Remember me?

ahuhuhuhu: ohmygoodness MERCEDES! It's been so long!

team mom: You need to come up to room BL-6 right now! I need to introduce you to my friends and we need to catch up!

ahuhuhuhu: on my way!

Oxymoron: Ew are we doing introductions?

Oxymoron: I'm Hapi and I'm sad :(

Oxymoron: ok bye 

dxrkspikest: wait that's a cool username

dxrkspikest: @Oxymoron wanna complain about boys together

Oxymoron: uh I'm gay

dxrkspikest: me too that's why i said complain dummy

Oxymoron: ugh okay

Oxymoron: come down to abyss

dxrkspikest: uh... i'll try?

King Of Grappling: Oh! I guess that means I'm left then!

queen of meme: you were here in the first place?

King of Grappling: :(

King of Grappling: Anyway I'm Balthus! I like wrestling, boys, girls and I'm kinda on the run from the law but don't tell Rhea that-

queen of meme: SAAHDBFHBSVFUBDVFUDBVVFY BALTHUS?????

queen of meme:HOLST'S FRIEND??

King of Grappling: Hilda?

queen of meme: sajhcue8nv8fn8

queen of meme: @pinktwink i found ur bf

pinktwink: BALTIE?????

pinktwink: WHAT THE FUCK IT'S BEEN 4 YEARS

pinktwink: YOU DIDN'T EVEN TEXT ME I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK

King of Grappling: Holst??

pinktwink: COME TO MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW IT'S ON THE FIRST FLOOR

pinktwink: YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO

queen of meme: and topping-

pinktwink: silence

queen of meme: :)

** #bluelions **

_25/02/20- 5.31pm_

_\-----------------_

D.A.B: @Galatea_Riding can i come over to your room

D.A.B: Claude kicked me out

Galatea_Riding: lmao already fighting??

D.A.B: No

D.A.B: I just woke up from my nap and Claude was scheming with this purple-haired girl

Galatea_Riding: ok i see

Galatea_Riding: well you can come over i'm just playing smash quickplay lol

D.A.B: Thank you!

D.A.B: I have an idea? How about we invite the rest of the Lions and play together?

Galatea_Riding: Can't

Galatea_Riding: Ashe is out with Caspar, Mercie and Annie are with Constance

D.A.B: Constance?

Galatea_Riding: Oh yeah

Galatea_Riding: New people have joined from Abyss

Galatea_Riding: and hilda's brother

D.A.B: Abyss? 

Galatea_Riding: The sewers, basically

D.A.B: Oh okay

cinnamon roll: we're having fun out here! i'm sorry we can't join you dimitri

cinnamon roll: anyway um help?

cinnamon roll: he was holding my hand earlier and I just kinda went with it because i was enjoying it and now i'm dyinG

Galatea_Riding: ajkndsfebvbeuu holy shitttt

Galatea_Riding: ok so

Galatea_Riding: ur watching the movie

Galatea_Riding: and you wait for the mandatory scene where they're showing off the pretty place

Galatea_Riding: and u say: "this film is pretty but not as pretty as u"

cinnamon roll: noted!!

ayyy: good luck ashe!!

** #general **

_25/02/20- 6.44pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: we have something to announce

sneakybitch: we made a nuke

king of meme: wait what

sneakybitch: lmao jk but

sneakybitch: after 4 whole hours of speaking to each other

sneakybitch: i'm deciding i'm joining the memesquad

ayyy: AYYYYY

queen of meme: good to have you with us!

Eagle 2: Always good to have more <33

sneakybitch: on one condition 

Eagle 2: he ruined it

queen of meme: which is?

sneakybitch: we all get matching usernames

prince of meme: observe

Eagle 2: ooooh

Eagle 2: but edie :(

Eagle 2: @Eagle 1 do you mind if we stop matching i neeed to show memesquad solidarity :(

Eagle 1: It's fine. :'(

Eagle 2: Edieeeeee :(

Eagle 1: Haha, I'm kidding. Have fun. I'll be changing my name too though.

princess of meme: asdfghjkl thanks babe!!

clown of meme: perfection

queen of meme: omg sylvain i'm-

prince of meme: i suppose he really do be clownin

iggle piggle: wait

CHONK: what's the memesquad?

Brigid Pride: A meme is having the funny! That means that they are having the funny!

bernie: omg are they a cult??? sjkakdcbebviebvu please don't kill me 

prince of meme: don't worry, bernadetta. we're not here to kill you.

bernie: hngh okay!!

Marianne <333: uhm hilda what's the memesquad though?

queen of meme: oh sorry baby it's just me, Claude, Sylvain, Dorothea, and Yuri

queen of meme: bc we're all gay meme disasters

queen of meme: well bi but you get the point

Marianne <333: Uhm okay! <3

queen of meme: <3

**SMS: You to Leonie Pinelli ( _click here for more info)_**

_25/02/20- 7:01pm_

\-------------------

You: Tryouts got postponed until next Thursday. Sorry Leonie.

Leonie Pinelli: Aw that's too bad :(

Leonie Pinelli: What's it like working with your child?

You: it's strange. Even stranger when you consider how they got the job.

Leonie Pinelli: How they got the job?

You: It's a funny story.

Leonie Pinelli: Haha okay! Either way, they aren't as sexy as you are daddy ;)

You: here we go again

** #gayclub **

_25/02/20- 7.19pm_

_\-----------------_

short king mama ayy: EUFSBVVE HELP HELP HELP HELP

princess of meme: you good caspie :o

Fuck the Church: We're here to help you, Caspar.

princess of meme: omg edie why

Fuck the Church: It has to be said.

princess of meme: but what about Mercedes? And Marianne?

Fuck the Church: I'll fuck them too.

Fuck the Church: Wait, no-

queen of meme: I AM GOING TO TEAR OFF EACH STRAND OF CRUSTY WHITE HAIR ON YOUR HEAD ONE BY ONE

Galatea_Riding: I will literally beat you up.

Fuck the Church: Sorry. It came out wrong.

short king mama ayy: anyway uh i guess i'll just say it

short king mama ayy: Ashe kissed me and i didn't know how to react so i ran to the toilet

king of meme: i

king of meme: you what

short king mama ayy: you heard me

Galatea_Riding: GET THE FUCK BACK IN THERE

Galatea_Riding: NOW THE POOR THING IS PROBABLY ANXIOUS AS FUCK

clown of meme: like deadass

clown of meme: kiss him again and tell him you like him and you just panicked

short king mama ayy: uhhh okay! wish me luck!

Fuck the Church: Good luck!

princess of meme: ^^^

** #general **

_25/02/20- 8.02pm_

_\-----------------_

short king mama ayy: @gayclub

short king mama ayy: I DID IT

short king mama ayy: I DID IT AND IT WORKED!!!

team mom: You did what?

bedtime: mhm even i don't know

short king mama ayy: ablfvbdvdfbufbu

cinnamon roll: oh dear

cinnamon roll: @everyone Caspar and I are dating :)

bedtime: asdfghjkl what

queen of meme: ahhh finally

team mom: oh!

babey owo: holy shit congrats!

short king mama ayy: _uwu_

Oxymoron: idk y'alls but well done i guess

King of Grappling: ^^^

cinnamon roll: anyway! we're gonna go watch cat videos and cuddle

short king mama ayy: @ us if you need us :)

pinktwink: anyway so

pinktwink: what do you do around here?

teaching 101: shout at Claude

pinktwink: oh the one that had a crush on me

king of meme: HILDA WTF

queen of meme: no survivors

king of meme: HOLST I SWEAR WE WERE IN ELEMENTARY

pinktwink: point taken

pinktwink: anyway why do we hate you?

teaching 101: his grades.

teaching 101: Claude, your grades are abyssal.

King of Grappling: nice

pinktwink: nice

King of Grappling: omg holst? we're still getting jinxed and it's been four years

pinktwink: maybe if you hadn't abandoned me-

King of Grappling: I DROPPED MY OLD PHONE WHILE I WAS GETTING CHASED BY THE POLICE

pinktwink: you had my insta

King of Grappling: ok but i'm a dumb bitch

King of Grappling: but **your** dumb bitch :(

pinktwink: promise to never leave me again?

King of Grappling: Promise.

pinktwink: ...

pinktwink: Come to my quarters i need cuddles :(

King of Grappling: on my way!

** #partygames**

_25/02/20- 8.23pm_

_\-----------------_

popcorn pisser: who wants to play a game? i am bored :(

stabby boi: sure

clown of meme: i will

team mom: i suppose i will!

babey owo: i'm in

princess of meme: why not

Brigid Pride: I will be joining the game!

dxrkspikest: sure

Oxymoron: I'll play

ahuhuhuhu: I will too!!

popcorn pisser: okay, i see!

popcorn pisser: let's play never have i ever!

popcorn pisser: if you've done it, just send a guilty to the channel

team mom: ok! who's starting?

popcorn pisser: I will!

popcorn pisser: never have i ever cheated on a test!

clown of meme: guilty

princess of meme: guilty aha

princess of meme: don't tell edie though!

babey owo: wait dorothea when??

princess of meme: last year

princess of meme: jeritza's english class

team mom: i'll go next!

team mom: neve have i ever drank alcohol illegally!

clown of meme: mercedes i have just lost all respect for you 

team mom: hehe

clown of meme: anyw guilty

stabby boi: how surprising

ayyy: fe you wound me :'(

stabby boi: fuck off

babey owo: moving on!!

babey owo: never have i ever kissed someone on the lips!

babey owo: y'know, romantically

princess of meme: guilty o.O

clown of meme: really getting targeted here huh, guilty

ahuhuhuhu: guilty as charged!

popcorn pisser: you have constance?

ahuhuhuhu: of course! when we were younger boys flocked for a chance to kiss the dazzling Constance von Nuvelle!

Oxymoron: hmm okay sure coco

dxrkspikest: never have i ever put a tranquiliser in your house leader's coffee so that you can draw on his face in his sleep

popcorn pisser: ...

ayyy: lysithea what the FUCK

Oxymoron: Wow, Lysi, you really don't like that guy huh?

babey owo: Lysi?

Oxymoron: We were talking earlier

Oxymoron: Turns out we have a lot in common

dxrkspikest: >:)

Brigid Pride: Never have I ever had a wolf in the Minecraft!

princess of meme: omg petra you found a taiga and you didn't record the co-ords??

princess of meme: anyw guilty

Brigid Pride: do not worry dorothea, i did!

princess of meme: oh thank goodness

clown of meme: guilty i'm really getting boned over here huh

stabby boi: guilty

dxrkspikest: guilty

babey owo: guilty

popcorn pisser: aha! I have never had a dog- only multiple cats!

clown of meme: stop flexin lol

clown of meme: never have I ever wanted to spend time with me ;)

stabby boi: fuck off

clown of meme: awe come on fe :(

stabby boi: why would I want to spend time with you? you're loud, reckless,and annoying- not to mention vulgar and insatiable. I'd rather spend time with Hubert than with you.

clown of meme: oh

clown of meme: ok sorry

princess of meme: MOVING! ON!

stabby boi: hmph.

Oxymoron: Never have I ever had a pet.

ahuhuhuhu: Oh, I have! When i was younger we had the most radiant bird!

Brigid Pride: We were having lots of pets in Brigid!

Oxymoron: ew

Brigid Pride: hmm? what is having the wrong with animals?

ahuhuhuhu: ah, yes

ahuhuhuhu: Hapi's got a condition. Whenever she sighs or sneezes, all the animals in the area get deathly scared.

Oxymoron: When I was younger, this woman found out and kidnapped me so that she wouldn't have to deal with rats in her house.

Oxymoron: And then I moved to Abyss when I was saved, so they could 'protect' me

Oxymoron: And yet all I ever ended up doing was scaring away more rats.

princess of meme: ... ouch

dxrkspikest: who's this woman then

dxrkspikest: i'll fight her

babey owo: me too we band together

Oxymoron: I couldn't put a name to a face.

ahuhuhuhu: moving on!! never have I ever stabbed someone!

stabby boi: guilty

babey owo: IT WAS ONE TIME CONSTANCE

babey owo: ONE TIME!

princess of meme: annette you did what

babey owo: i was seven and I was cooking with my parents

babey owo: and my dad thought it would be smart to let me hold a knife

popcorn pisser: i'm-

stabby boi: never have I ever hit on your friend's grandma

princess of meme: felix he's already dead

dxrkspikest: lmao

popcorn pisser: sylvain did that?

babey owo: i mean he aint confirming it

team mom: I do say, you're all being quite mean to him!

princess of meme: yeah @clown of meme are you okay?

princess of meme: @clown of meme ????

**@princess of meme <\----> @clown of meme**

_25/02/20- 8:51pm_

_\-----------------_

princess of meme: sylvain?????

princess of meme: we're worried pls come back

clown of meme: why?

princess of meme: what do you mean why??

princess of meme: you're my friend and you just kinda left

princess of meme: which isn't like you

clown of meme: but why bother

clown of meme: it's like felix said.

clown of meme: i'm _loud, reckless, and annoying_

princess of meme: you know that he was kidding sylvain

clown of meme: but what if he wasn't.

princess of meme: i swear he was we'll get him to apologise

princess of meme: sylvain???

_**Support Group)** _

** #general **

_25/02/20- 8:54 am_

_\----------------_

princess of meme: @everyone @clown of meme

princess of meme: Sylvie what's going on? Felix always treats you like shit

princess of meme: what's different about this time?

clown of meme: just stop worrying about it

king of meme: huh

dxrkspikest: read #partygames

king of meme: oh okay

bernie: sylvain!!! we promised not to lie to each other in this server

D.A.B: Yes. Please, tell us what's going on.

Marianne <333: Wwe're worried!!

clown of meme: i told you not to worry.

king of meme: well we're going to worry because you're our friend

dxrkspikest: i'm gonna kill felix

clown of meme: no don't do that it's not his fault

bernie: did you even read what he called you??

princess of meme: and don't say any bullshit like 'that's the way i am so it's my fault'

clown of meme: i know

clown of meme: but he does this all the time and i can usually handle it

king of meme: and you let him do it?

clown of meme: yeah because he doesn't mean it

Marianne <333: but itt still hurts you!

clown of meme: usually it doesn't

D.A.B: either way, please just come clean, Sylvain. What's happening?

clown of meme: ...

clown of meme: promise not to tell everyone else? i don't want them all to worry about me

princess of meme: promise.

clown of meme: well my depression's just been getting worse again

clown of meme: and my brother also got released from jail last week

clown of meme: my dad wanted us to have a big family reunion now that he's out but he's an abusive prick and my dad isn't great either

clown of meme: so i had an argument with him so i'm having family issues

clown of meme: and now i'm stressed about my brother and depression is biting me in the ass and my dad is arguing and shouting at me

clown of meme: i guess that i just kinda broke. sorry.

dxrkspikest: holy shit.

king of meme: that sucks, dude.

clown of meme: tell me about it.

D.A.B: I'm sure I can speak to your father about it, if you wish.

clown of meme: nah don't worry about it it's not your problem

clown of meme: either way, thanks. i haven't been able to let it out and cry like that in a while :')

princess of meme: lmao it's okay, Sylvie.

**@stabby boi <\----> @clown of meme**

_25/02/20- 9:05pm_

_\-----------------_

stabby boi: hey

clown of meme: oh

clown of meme: hey

stabby boi: uh i'm sorry

stabby boi: i didn't realise you were going through so much shit and i just needed to let off some steam

stabby boi: sorry

clown of meme: apology accepted

clown of meme: wdym by 'going through so much shit'

stabby boi: dimitri told me and ingrid about miklan

stabby boi: was he not supposed to?

clown of meme: nope but i really don't feel like arguing with him rn

stabby boi: oh

stabby boi: do you want to talk about it?

clown of meme: sure

clown of meme: come to my room i'm not leaving bc i've been crying LMAO

stabby boi: lmao okay

stabby boi: i'll be there soon.

_**(the hoes are in)** _

** #bluelions **

_25/02/20- 11:12 am_

_\-----------------_

Galatea_Riding: (link) _gays.png_

Galatea_Riding: holy shit look at them

babey owo: were they crying??

Galatea_Riding: looks that way

Galatea_Riding: either way take it in now bc they're not gonna admit to cuddling like this in the morning

team mom: i do wish they'd just confess to each other

the plant...: i am also glad they made up. i must admit, i was worried after i read the party games channel earlier

Galatea_Riding: yeah

babey owo: speaking of gay disasters

babey owo: @cinnamon roll HOLY SHIT YOU DID IT I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

cinnamon roll: ahhh thank you!!

the plant...: Yes, congratulations :)

cinnamon roll: thanks dedue :)

team mom: anyway! dorothea recently texted me and asked if we want to join her minecraft server!

babey owo: yes

babey owo: yes we do

team mom: uh okay!!

babey owo: >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so?? Sorry that I didn’t update in a while?? But I played fates again and my family is generally very old so i have people to look after lol
> 
> anyway my favourite character is now here! hngh i love hapi lol
> 
> also minecraft next chap. have a good day!


	8. annette;; this is a war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short king mama ayy: ok how the FUCK are we supposed to deal with bernie
> 
> short king mama ayy: she uses ashe as bait bc i'm not gonna shoot my boyfriend and then she fucks me up
> 
> bernie: this is war
> 
> short king mama ayy: yeah sure
> 
> dxrkspikest: either way, we had big losses in that skirmish
> 
> jewalt senpai: if by big you mean lorenz sure
> 
> send feet in dm: it's not fair! you, claude, and hilda were all targeting me!
> 
> queen of meme: all's fair in love and war sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for no update in over a month- I'll put my rant/mini update in the end notes so you can skip it
> 
> on other hands, i've been breathing for annette lately;; so sorry if my bias really comes through lol
> 
> hope you enjoy!
> 
> also just to clarify the AW can see all the house chats but other students only have viewing perms for their own house chat, same w/ byleth and holst and obviously dms are private

** #minecraft **

_26/02/20- 08:28 am_

_\-----------------_

babey owo: WHOM

babey owo: THE FUCKST

babey owo: COVERED MY HOUSE IN FUCINM COBWEBS

babey owo: I DONT EVEN HAVE THE IRON FOR SHEARS YET BUT YOU HAVE THAT MANY COBWEBS?

team mom: oh no! i can come over to help you out! :^)

babey owo: ugh thanks

babey owo: who even did it??? claude???

king of meme: not on the server 

king of meme: dorothea knows better than to invite me

princess of meme: :p

queen of meme: wow what happened to memesquad solidarity D:

princess of meme: she perished

princess of meme: periodt

king of meme: >:(

queen of meme: @pinktwink help me out here

princess of meme: geez fine i'll send you an invite smh

pinktwink: hilda tf it's 8am

queen of meme: it's a schoolday dumbass, i just dont have classes

pinktwink: i graduated smh

team mom: But Holst... aren't you the teacher?

pinktwink: UFUCKCEFVONIEVFIGF IPUEVFNOVUNVFUNOVFENOF

prince of meme: what a disaster

prince of meme: anyways i know for a fact it was lysithea

prince of meme: i've visited everyone on the server and she's the only one with the resources to plan a prank of such an elaborate scale

babey owo: @dxrkspikest is this true? :(

dxrkspikest: you don't understand

dxrkspikest: this is war

dxrkspikest: minecraft is war

babey owo: >:( angere

king of meme: i didnt know that kids knew how to wage war

dxrkspikest: nvm let's go trap spawn so that when claude joins he dies

babey owo: yeah it's time to commit a war crime

prince of meme: what a nightmare

team mom: ^^

** #bluelions **

_26/02/20- 12:44 pm_

_\-----------------_

Galatea_Riding: @clown of meme are you awake yet

stabby boi: he's ignoring you

stabby boi: he just said "if i ignore ingrid she can't tease me"

clown of meme: fe wtf

cinnamon roll: fe? 0-0

clown of meme: hi you can stop

clown of meme: i'm rlly not in the mood rn

Galatea_Riding: ugh okay

Galatea_Riding: anyw have you logged onto the minecraft server yet today

clown of meme: nope been crying

stabby boi: ugh is this about annette and lysithea

stabby boi: i already know

clown of meme: oh god what did they do

cinnamon roll: they vandalised your base bc you're a member of the memesquad

Galatea_Riding: and they declared war

cinnamon roll: AND they declared war

clown of meme: why am i not surprised

babey owo: wait, there's more!

babey owo: we're forcing everyone to pick a side or else they're gonna get targeted by us anyway

stabby boi: is this really necessary

babey owo: bite me >:(

stabby boi: ugh fine i'll join you

stabby boi: just don't fuck up our base again

clown of meme: but fe... i have memesquad solidarity to attend to

clown of meme: don't you wanna come with me owo

stabby boi: perish

clown of meme: _sad owo_

Galatea_Riding: Annette what do i get out of it

babey owo: we have bernadetta

Galatea_Riding: sold i'm not feeling like death rn

cinnamon roll: yeah me too... good argument u got there :/

babey owo: >:)

** #deersquad **

_26/02/20- 1:04 pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: @golden deer

king of meme: i have an announcement

king of meme: join my side or die :)

jewalt senpai: damn bro what a convincing argument

jewalt senpai: i'm sold

queen of meme: honestly stan

queen of meme: come to Dorothea's base she has all our resources

jewalt senpai: omw!

dxrkspikest: what a pussy

dxrkspikest: i'll relish bathing in your blood :)

iggle piggle: yeah!! i'm good!!!! lysithea please dontkillme

dxrkspikest: join our side then idiot

dxrkspikest: come to my base it's at 420 69 420

king of meme: nice

dxrkspikest: silence

CHONK: i'm on my way! :^)

send feet in dm: i am too. anything to get back at claude for this abomination of a nickname!

queen of meme: ah shit

king of meme: we played ourselves

Marianne <333: uhhh do i have to pick a side?? i dont really like ffighting...

queen of meme: of course not mari! you can just sit back and watch, right lysithea

dxrkspikest: ofc i'm not a monster

Marianne <333: ahhh thank you! <3

** @king of meme <\----> @D.A.B **

_26/02/20- 1:13pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: yo dimi can u and dedue go to dorothea's base on the mc server

king of meme: we need a favour :^)

D.A.B: uhh okay?

king of meme: <3

D.A.B: <3

** @babey owo <\----> @bernie **

_26/02/20- 1:16pm_

\-----------------

babey owo: heyyy bernie uh don't panic

babey owo: but we kinda used you as our secret weapon for the minecraft war?

bernie: i'm trapping hilda's base rn

babey owo: _we stan_

bernie: eheh :)

** #blackeagles **

_26/02/20- 2:24 pm_

_\-----------------_

princess of meme: attention black eagles! you have **one** (1) hour to get to my base and pledge allegiance to the memesquad in the war! benefits include not getting kicked off the discord server (which i own) not getting kicked off the minecraft server (which i also own) and my eternal friendship! :^)

bedtime: ew

prince of meme: hey lin we need human hamsters to power our redstone cannons! you could fall asleep on the keyboard and that's all you need to do :^)

bedtime: ugh fine

short king mama ayy: i have been called. i will follow

bedtime: u look like a hamster

short king mama ayy:

Brigid Pride: But dorothea, we are doing the living together?

princess of meme: you can choose to move out petra. but i will show no mercy.

Brigid Pride: No, I will be doing the memesquad :)

princess of meme: ahahah thank u!

bernie: uhhh sorry dorothea i alreadyagreedtohelpoutannettepleasedonthateme

princess of meme: oh it's fine

princess of meme: i'm not dumb enough to argue with you in minecraft

** #general **

_26/02/20- 3:30 pm_

_\-----------------_

king of meme: Attention memesquad! everyone in positions, we are marching on the babeys in 5!

babey owo: babeys, defend! reclaim our right to be small babeys without being made fun of!

D.A.B: this is a nightmare

the plant...: agreed, your highness. we do not need to participate if you do not wish to.

D.A.B: no, it's fine, i promised claude.

D.A.B: ...

D.A.B: kill every last one of them!

stabby boi: ugh

clown of meme: your highness? u good?

D.A.B: I'm fine

D.A.B: got a bit excited

_4:02 pm_

short king mama ayy: ok how the FUCK are we supposed to deal with bernie

short king mama ayy: she uses ashe as bait bc i'm not gonna shoot my boyfriend and then she fucks me up

cinnamon roll: ahh i'm sorry

short king mama ayy: no it's okay

short king mama ayy: anyways fuck all of you

bernie: this is war

short king mama ayy: yeah sure

dxrkspikest: either way, we had big losses in that skirmish

jewalt senpai: if by big you mean lorenz sure

send feet in dm: it's not fair! you, claude, and hilda were all targeting me!

queen of meme: all's fair in love and war sister

babey owo: I didn't think you were gonna go that hard on us! guess the gloves are coming off!

team mom: annette;;

stabby boi: this is a war what did you expect

iggle piggle: i must say i'm very impressed by dedue's building skills!

CHONK: yeah! he like made an impenetrable fortress!

the plant...: thank you for the compliments.

king of meme: tho... i must say.. dimi killing people is hot

D.A.B: oh, it's nothing :^)

dxrkspikest: disgusting

king of meme: you wouldnt understand it yet kiddo

dxrkspikest: :)

princess of meme: oh no

clown of meme: it's coming

_4:42 pm_

prince of meme: ok @ahuhuhu @King of Grappling @Oxymoron you need to get on and see this it's wild

Oxymoron: who do you think got all the redstone?

prince of meme: _gasp_ betrayal

King of Grappling: me too! i betrayed you! i have to pay debts to the glorious Lorenz Hellman Gloucester!

queen of meme: okay baltie what the FUCK

send feet in dm: he is simply repaying his debts to my family.

send feet in dm: nothing more, nothing less.

ahuhuhu: I have logged on, Yuri! I have no equipment- as I have not yet played on the server- but I am en route to Dorothea's co-ordinates!

prince of meme: thanks coco

king of meme: we're gonna need the help against those giant death mechs

princess of meme: okay i knew that lysithea was good at redstone and also that i turned on some of her mods yesterday but this is so dumb

Brigid Pride: we are not having the choice but to go to the redstone tank!

jewalt senpai: yep, better get running lin

bedtime: ugh fine

_5:29 pm_

babey owo: i am so done

team mom: i am so sorry annie! we can rebuild!

babey owo: but you can't repair the hole in my heart :(

princess of meme: just submit and i'll /undo your broken base lol=

Oxymoron: there's no need if we're even >:)

queen of meme: what's that supposed to-

queen of meme: okay what the FUCK

king of meme: WHO LEAD A MECH INVASION ON MARIHILDA'S BASE AND KILLED DORTE

dxrkspikest: guilty as charged

dxrkspikest: sorry marianne, but we will never submit to people who mock our babyness

dxrkspikest: and sometimes war has civilian casualties.

jewalt senpai: you're a monster

ahuhuhu: how un-noble of you!

Marianne <333; uuhhh no it's fine... i nevver plaaayed on the server anyways

queen of meme: no it's fine... we'll get revenge for dorte!

queen of meme: dorothea, do the thing

princess of meme: i'm on it >:)

_6:09pm_

babey owo: so that's their secret weapon

dxrkspikest: a command block fortress that when triggered /kills a random player

dxrkspikest: a destructive force of war that is the only thing holding off our redstone mechs and wolf packs

bernie: aghhhhhh how do we stop it??

princess of meme: you can't. my victory is inevitable >:)

bedtime: just kill me lol

bedtime: i'm the one keeping it going

cinnamon roll: didnt you just get /killed?

bedtime: my spawnpoint is here and i have nothing in my inventory but food

Galatea_Riding: shit

dxrkspikest: okay everyone, meet at 1982 56 -789 so we can conquer it! it's the only thing stopping our victory, so if we take it down we win!

team mom: oh my! on my way!

_6:17 pm_

Fuck the Church: what the f u c k happened here

Marianne <333: uhmmm... they're having a minecraft war

Fuck the Church: I knew that game would end in disaster.

Fuck the Church: Who's participating?

Marianne <333: uhm everyone except you, me, hubert, and ferdinand

Fuck the Church: ferdinand?

popcorn pisser: yes! hubie and i have been out all day :)

Fuck the Church: You've been spending time with Hubert?

Hubert: I would never spend time with such an imbecile.

popcorn pisser: hubie :(

Hubert: fine. i was begrudgingly shopping with him.

Fuck the Church: I always knew you two would end up as good friends!

Fuck the Church: Either way, all three of you, get on the Minecraft server and meet at 800 81 35. It is time to put a stop to this war.

** @Fuck the Church <\----> teaching 101 **

_26/02/20- 6:22pm_

\-----------------

Fuck the Church: Professor, I need some help.

teaching 101: is this regarding the minecraft war?

Fuck the Church: Indeed.

teaching 101: i thought so. 

Fuck the Church: I'd greatly appreciate it if you could send invites to any of your free friends and join us to stop the fighting. I know it's in jest, but it seems to have upset Marianne quite deeply.

teaching 101: of course. give me a second, i will invite you to a server i'e been preparing.

Fuck the Church: You've been preparing?

teaching 101: let's just say this has all happened before.

_**(Operation: Save Minecraft)** _

** #general **

_26/02/20- 6:36pm_

\-----------------

teaching 101: @everyone role call!

assassigaytion: Present.

thunderstrikec: here, ready to kick some butt!

Casagranda: time to put these kids in their place!

gxddess: y'all rlly wildin lmao

porridge or cyril: i'm here professor!!

pinktwink: i swear i always have to clean up hilda's mess

nothingtoreport: Greetings, Professor! Nothing to report!

fish: oh, hello, professor!

teaching 101: lol 

teaching 101: anyways as you've noticed, edelgard and some friends just joined the server, so our operation is commencing. Dorothea was kind enough to give me admin on the server, obviously under the assumption I would be helping her out. I've sent you all invites and turned off join messages. Use the nether highway Ferdinand created to get to 800 81 35, where we will begin our Operation to stop all of this infighting.

teaching 101: i'm counting on you.

_6:50pm_

thunderstriket: It looks like Lysithea's found us sneaking around the side! Good, i've been itching for a fight!

assassigaytion: don't get yourself killed. there's no keep inventory, you idiot.

fish: i must say that this game is quite violent!

porridge or cyril: no it's not you just joined at a bad time :/

Fuck the Church: Anyways, myself and Marianne have infiltrated the Memesquad base. I doubt we're in danger- after all, we're the girlfriends of two of it's most prominent members.

Marianne <333: hngh this is so scary!

popcorn pisser: it is okay Marianne! Hubert and I are currently in the giant obsidian command block tower. Using a nether portal to get in here was a stroke of genuis, hubie :^)

Hubert: Oh, it was nothing. We need to start by looking for their supplies- if we get a diamond pickaxe (preferably with an efficiency enchantment) we can mine the walls and look for the redstone leading to both the command block and linhardt. By breaking just one piece, the contraption is broken and the threat is neutralised.

teaching 101: remember not to engage in direct combat unless necessary! we are trying to be the voice of reason here, not just add to the bloodbath.

thunderstriket: oops

gxddess: rip lorenz lmao

assassigaytion: why are you so insufferably bad at following orders?

thunderstriket: hey, come on, you know you love me :)

assassigaytion: hmph.

_7:35pm_

Fuck the Church: They called a truce to go eat for a while! This is our chance to put our plan in action!

teaching 101: cath, you're lucky that nametags were off and you didnt get recognised. Catherine, Shamir, Sothis, try to round up all the students into a safe position.

teaching 101: Holst, Gabe, seal off the Babey's base with the obsidian I gave you and then do the same to their resources. Marianne and Edelgard are doing the same to the Memesquad base.

teaching 101: Cyril, keep Flayn safe and show her some of Minecraft's less violent features.

porridge or cyril: will do!

teaching 101: Meanwhile, Manuela and I will edit the command block to broadcast our message. Ferdinand, Hubert, when i say so, repair the redstone and push Linhardt back onto the pressure plate.

teaching 101: it is time to bring this disaster to an end.

_**(the hoes are in)** _

** #general **

_26/02/20- 8:00pm_

\-----------------

king of meme: okay what the fuck

dxrkspikest: our beautiful warfare...ruined...

bernie: uhhhh in my opinion it was really scary!

Marianne <333: umm sorry...but after you killed dorte i couldnt stand around and watch any longer.

Fuck the Church: Frankly, I expected you all to be much more mature than this- especially Claude and Dorothea.

princess of meme: i'm sorry edie... i love yu pease odjt leve ,e \;:(

king of meme: yeah sorry princess

teaching 101: anyways, i think it's time to apologise and put this all behind us. Minecraft wars are fun, but there's a point when it goes too far.

dxrkspikest: professor you've made a mistake... who said i was done :)

king of meme: huh

babey owo: OHMYGOD

stabby boi: did she just-

clown of meme: the server crashed

princess of meme: okay wait a second...

princess of meme: l y s i t h e a

babey owo: she really nuked everything within a 3000 block radius huh

dxrkspikest: okay now i'm done :) claude, i'm sorry for overreacting, i know you mean it as a joke but it's really annoying :)

king of meme: uh yeah and me too! i'm sorry for doing it when i know you hate it and i'm also sorry to marianne for getting her involved when she didnt want to be.

Marianne <333; no itss okay! i had fun in the end...

princess of meme: anyways, i think this is a good time to start the server anew. I'm resetting it back to day 1 if you want to play!

babey owo: thanks, but i'm gonna take a break.

king of meme: me too. i've had too much minecraft for one day.

** @Fuck the Church <\----> @prince of meme **

_26/02/20- 8:22pm_

\-----------------

prince of meme: i must say, are they usually... like this? they were so quick to declare war and now they're acting as if nothing ever happened

prince of meme: hell, i just saw annette, lysithea, and claude all eating cookies out in the dining hall!

Fuck the Church: aha, they are a chaotic bunch, aren't they? sometimes i swear that myself and hubert are the only levelheaded ones

Fuck the Church: well, and marianne too. everyone loves marianne.

prince of meme: honestly, i'm inclined to agree with you. i'd love to be added to that levelheaded list- despite how fun earlier today was, it was tiring and completely unnecessary.

Fuck the Church: i'd love to get to know each other!! if you tell me how to get into abyss, i'd adore to speak over a cup of tea.

prince of meme: nope, i'll come up to you, princess. i've spent far too long in my room today anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the slightly shorter chapter! i would've wanted to tack on another 500 words so it would be normal length, but i felt it would ruin the atmosphere- same reason for the lack of leonie gag
> 
> anyways sorry that i've gone so long without updating! this past month i've been degraded to the role of errand-runner and have been doing a lot side tasks for my older family members and just generally taking care of them.
> 
> hopefully now the fic should update more frequently!- i'm aiming to do so once a fortnight, hopefully. i'm also developing a child au (as in awakening/fates) that i've been really into, so that's why the schedule probably won't stick well lol. if you want, i can post a sneak peek in the notes next chapter- assuming you comment to tell me you're interested, of course :^)
> 
> i'd also like to write a quick thanks to all my commenters, kudos-ers, and readers- it's your support that keeps me going and writing this fic. from the bottom of my heart, thank you :^)


	9. truth or dare 2: electric boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> babey owo: dude it's sylvain
> 
> babey owo: he does this every other message
> 
> stabby boi: i know but it seems so much more genuine this time
> 
> babey owo: he's probably being genuine all the time tbh
> 
> babey owo: he's fucking obsessed w/ u bro
> 
> stabby boi: oh
> 
> stabby boi: oh god i always thought that he was just teasing
> 
> babey owo: you did????
> 
> stabby boi: YES OKAY BE QUIET

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly yurigard as a friendship is something we were robbed of
> 
> also hapi/lysithea supports they have SO much in common it's insane
> 
> and edelgard?? opening up and developing positive relationships with everyone despite her trauma?? we stan.

** #house_leaders **

_29/02/20- 8:00am_

\-----------------

Fuck the Church: who has the latest class today?

D.A.B: I have soccer practise that runs until 5:30! can i ask why you ask?

prince of meme: basically el was telling me about the last time y'all had a massive meetup party thingy

prince of meme: and i was thinking that it would be cool to have another so that us wolves can integrate with y'all more

Fuck the Church: especially since Dorothea's party is in a few weeks time, it would be a good opportunity for us to bridge the gap- not to mention how the 'incident' a few days ago affected inter-house relationships.

king of meme: sounds cool! anyw we're calling it the 'incident' now huh... tragic

D.A.B: el?

Fuck the Church: oh, it's a nickname close friends use for me. sorry for any confusion.

D.A.B: no. I understand that. i'm just curious about when you and Yuri got so close.

prince of meme: we've just been talking a lot recently considering we seem to share 95% of the braincells on this server

Fuck the Church: ^^

king of meme: you wound me

prince of meme: We love you too, Claude.

Fuck the Church: Anyways, I'll tell everyone in the general chat to be in the abyss' main hall at 6:30. see you all later :)

king of meme: mhm

king of meme: hey dimi do you ever like

king of meme: actually have soccer matches

D.A.B: i have one this weekend actually! are you going to come :^)

king of meme: if i can lol

king of meme: ttyl <3

D.A.B: <3

** @Fuck the Church <\----> @prince of meme **

_29/02/20- 8:22am_

\-----------------

Fuck the Church: remind me our intentions for doing this again?

prince of meme: just to get everyone together so we can get to know them lol

prince of meme: also hapi's been talking about lysithea for three days straight and how she'd die for her

prince of meme: wnna see if something's there \\_(.-.)_/

Fuck the Church: aha, sly.

Fuck the Church: anyways, I have class now. I'll see you afterwards.

prince of meme: see you then!

** #general **

_29/02/20- 2:37pm_

\-----------------

Fuck the Church: hello everyone! Yuri and I are hosting a movie night/karaoke party thing in abyss tonight, from 6:30 until curfew! we've been thinking that the ashen wolves havent had much time to bond with us, so we're doing this so they can! hope to see you there :)

princess of meme: omg edie you're hosting a party and u didnt even tell me? i'm coming to help you set up where do i go

Fuck the Church: aha, come to the abyss main hall. yuri should be in the greenhouse, so if you need directions go haggle him

princess of meme: omw!

iggle piggle: aha, that sounds fun :)

CHONK: will there be food?

queen of meme: raph it's a party 

queen of meme: ofc there's gonna be food

CHONK: i'll be there!

queen of meme: yeah p sure you can count all the gd in

queen of meme: we simp for karaoke

dxrkspikest: especially lorenz

send feet in dm: it was one time!!

Galatea_Riding: what explain

princess of meme: yes please

send feet in dm: change my name and i'll tell you

princess of meme: done

Lorenz: Thank you, Dorothea.

Lorenz: Claude, Hilda, myself, and eventually Lysithea all attended the same school when we were younger.

dxrkspikest: 'eventually' bitch what

Lorenz: well, you're younger than us- to the point that we only spent one year in the school together!

dxrkspikest: have fun for the rest of the day lorenz

dxrkspikest: because tonight is not going to be fun :)

Lorenz: i was literally just stating a fact??

popcorn pisser: just continue

Lorenz: sorry

Lorenz: anyways back in those days our school would host a talent show at the end of each year, and each year i would audition by singing my current favourite song at the time

Lorenz: the later years went quite well but in my first... let's just say that my singing voice was rather undeveloped.

queen of meme: he sounded like a dying horse lmao

Lorenz: :(

Lorenz: but either way for the rest of the year people would sing my name in an annoying whiny voice when referring to me.

Lorenz: looking back on it now, it's one of my fondest memories :)

babey owo: damn even past lorenz cant catch a break

King of Grappling: tragic

ahuhuhu: it truly is.

** #bluelions **

_29/02/20- 4:42pm_

\-----------------

Galatea_Riding: @clown of meme @stabby boi i meant to ask you on the day of the incident 

Galatea_Riding: can you explain this

Galatea_Riding: (link) _gays.png_

stabby boi: what the fuck

cinnamon roll: aha, that's adorable

the plant...: you both look very happy.

team mom: i agree! you look like you're having a great time :)

clown of meme: ingrid deadass

clown of meme: why the hell do you have that

Galatea_Riding: i went to go check on you

Galatea_Riding: bc y'know you kinda had a really bad panic attack?

clown of meme: true

clown of meme: well believe it or not, felix isnt as prickly as he may seem to you guys

clown of meme: he has emotions and he was comforting me and we fell asleep whilst

clown of meme: not everything has to be gay smh

Galatea_Riding: okay, just checking!

** #gayclub **

_29/02/20- 5:00pm_

_\-----------------_

Galatea_Riding: @clown of meme your intentions were gay weren't they

clown of meme: oh absolutely he fell asleep on me and I was not moving him

short king mama ayy: ?

Galatea_Riding: lmao

Galatea_Riding: (link) _gays.png_

short king mama ayy: omg

king of meme: we're only just seeing this?

Fuck the Church: that's adorable, sylvain.

clown of meme; :)

short king mama ayy: omg wait we can rant about our gayness here right?

queen of meme: yep that's the idea

short king mama ayy: ashe is the most amazing human being ever and i love him holy shit

short king mama ayy: he's so adorable and he makes me feel so happy :)

cinnamon roll: awe, i love you too caspar <3

queen of meme: omg but me with marianne

king of meme: dimitri's in soccer rn but holy shit same he makes me feel so

king of meme: like

king of meme: worth it

Fuck the Church: I can sympathise. Before I met Dorothea, I felt so... distant from everyone else. But with her, I feel that I'm able to be a lot closer to all of you whilst having the most amazing woman at my side. Without her, I doubt I'd have friends as amazing as you :)

king of meme: omg edelgard :')

Galatea_Riding: that's so sweet edelgard thank you!!

queen of meme: ^^

short king mama ayy: even if we disagree all the time, i wont say that you arent a great friend

Fuck the Church: aha, i suppose that is true caspar.

Fuck the Church: and please, call me edie, or el. :)

clown of meme: lmao of course el

Fuck the Church: except for you, sylvain. stay 10 feet away from me at all times :)

clown of meme: :(

Fuck the Church: I'm kidding! why, am i not funny?

cinnamon roll: nah

short king mama ayy: just weird seeing you cut so loose

**SMS: You to Leonie Pinelli ( _click here for more info)_**

_29/02/20- 5:36pm_

\-------------------

Leonie Pinelli: Hi Captain! 

You: Hello, Leonie. Congratulations on your success in the tryouts! I'm sorry that practise was cancelled today, but Lady Rhea insisted that i do so for some unknown reason.

Leonie Pinelli: Oh, I was just going to tell you about how it actually freed up my schedule for a karaoke party later! can you tell byleth to come don to the abyss main hall if they're free- we'd love to see them there! 

You: Will do

Leonie Pinelli: Thanks! i'll miss seeing you tonight daddy ;)

You: oh lord

** @stabby boi <\----> @clown of meme **

_29/02/20- 5:58pm_

\-----------------

stabby boi: hey

stabby boi: how are you doing?

clown of meme: ?

stabby boi: with your family i mean

clown of meme: oh

clown of meme: i haven't written back yet

clown of meme: i'm scared, fe.

stabby boi: i know. i understand. 

stabby boi: do you need me to ask my dad to step in?

clown of meme: fe you hate talking to your dad as much as i hate talking to mine

stabby boi: atleast my dad isnt an abusive prick

clown of meme: tru

clown of meme: i'll think about it

stabby boi: good.

stabby boi: i care about you a lot. okay, sylvain?

stabby boi: even if i dont show it in public

clown of meme: awe that's sweet :') my heart

stabby boi: don't push it 

clown of meme: lmao ok

stabby boi: i'll see you at the party.

clown of meme: see you too <3

** @stabby boi <\----> @babey owo **

_29/02/20- 6:12pm_

\-----------------

stabby boi: HELP

babey owo: ?

babey owo: you need to elaborate more feefee lmao

stabby boi: dont call me feefee

babey owo: die >:)

stabby boi: ugh fine

babey owo: anyways what do you need help with

stabby boi: uh

stabby boi: (link) _sylvainproblems.png_

babey owo: dude it's sylvain

babey owo: he does this every other message

stabby boi: i know but it seems so much more genuine this time

babey owo: he's probably being genuine all the time tbh

babey owo: he's fucking obsessed w/ u bro

stabby boi: oh

stabby boi: oh god i always thought that he was just teasing

babey owo: you did????

stabby boi: YES OKAY BE QUIET

babey owo: this is a nightmare

stabby boi: so sylvain's liked me back the entire time???

babey owo: yes you idiot!! i've been saying this for ages!!

stabby boi: ok so what do i do??

babey owo: ask him out at the party dumbass

babey owo: i can stay w/ you so that you don't die of gayness

stabby boi: ok

stabby boi: thank you

babey owo: yw!!

babey owo: u really wildin tho lmao

** #general **

_29/02/20- 6_ _:37pm_

\-----------------

princess of meme: hey everyone! party's started! music might be a bit loud so if anyone needs me just text me here bc i wont be able to hear you lol

Fuck the Church: is anyone else coming who's not yet here?

babey owo: me and felix are we'll be there in ten

babey owo: srry we're late

Fuck the Church: don't worry, the abyss entrance is going to be open until 7pm. Please get here before then!

princess of meme: in other terms, does anyone wanna do karaoke?

Marianne <33: umm... would you like to do a song @queen of meme :)

queen of meme: ofc mari! what song would you like to do?

Marianne: uhmm it's up to you! i don't really mind aha

queen of meme: hmm

queen of meme: how about we do call me maybe by carly rae jepsen? that song is so iconic

Marianne <33: ook! :)

bernie: aha! i love that song! i- i'd like it if you did that :)

princess of meme: wait bern you're at the party?

bernie: aha yeah, i figured you'd want me to come thea :) i'm just by myself in the corner though

princess of meme: i'm coming over!!

bernie: ah! ok!

_(6:45pm)_

Brigid Pride: I am not having the understanding. The singer's name is Carly yet she is telling the people to call her Maybe?

bedtime: she's saying 'call me' as in give her a phone call, not like it's her name

Brigid Pride: ah, I am having the understanding now! i have gratitude :)

D.A.B: you two did really well!! :)

king of meme: hell yea my bestie killed it

queen of meme: <3

Hubert: hmph. it was truly insufferable.

popcorn pisser: hubie, be nice >:(

Hubert: fine.

short king mama ayy: hey ashe let's do a duet >:)

cinnamon roll: sure! what song are we doing?

short king mama ayy: short kings anthem i'm not going off brand smh

bedtime: why am i not surprised

_(6:50pm)_

king of meme: ain't no must be this tall to ride

clown of meme: i'm a fun sized

prince of meme: super nice guy

short king mama ayy: aye

ahuhuhu: well, if i may interject, I (the radiant Constance von Nuvelle) have been told on multiple occassions that I have a lovely singing voice! Dearest Yuri, would you care to engage in a round of 'Pokerface', by the esteemed Lady Gaga?

prince of meme: you know i hate singing in public constance

ahuhuhu: yuri leclerc

prince of meme: alright fine

team mom: oh my! she gave him the full name!

the plant...: she's quite determined. i must give her that.

iggle piggle: ^^

_(6:55pm)_

King of Grappling: that was... certainly something

babey owo: yep!!

Lorenz: i was getting unfortunate flashbacks

ahuhuhu: Aha! I am glad you all enjoyed!

prince of meme: i didn't

ahuhuhu: shut

prince of meme: :(

** #partygames **

_29/02/20- 7:12_ _pm_

\-----------------

babey owo: anyone wanna play a game of truth and dare?

Fuck the Church: I suppose I will.

princess of meme: I will!!

popcorn pisser: i'll join in!

bedtime: i suppose i'll join

king of meme: count me and hilda in

jewalt senpai; i'll join!

iggle piggle: well i have nothing better to do :)

team mom: i'll join annie!

clown of meme: sure i guess haha

Oxymoron: sure i guess

dxrkspikest: i will

prince of meme: why not lol

ahuhuhu: i would love to partake in this game!

King of Grappling: sure little buddy!

teaching 101: i just arrived, sorry i was late :/ i can't stay for long, but i'll join in!

babey owo: cool ok

babey owo: btw @stabby boi you're joining sorry you don't have rights

babey owo: can someone else start i can't think of one rn

team mom: okay! constance, truth or dare?

ahuhuhu: i will start off slow- with a truth!

team mom: easy! kiss marry kill- balthus, yuri, hapi!

ahuhuhu; hmm- i do agree, it's quite easy! i'd kill balthus, kiss yuri, and marry hapi!

King of Grappling: constance :(

ahuhuhu: :)

Oxymoron: ouch

Oxymoron: anyway ty coco

ahuhuhu: you are welcome! :)

ahuhuhu: Edelgard! Truth or Dare!

Fuck the Church: I suppose that I will go for dare.

ahuhuhu: hmm

ahuhuhu: aha! i have got it! write a supportive comment of 350 characters on the church's recent instagram post!

Fuck the Church: ugh

Fuck the Church: Fine, I'll do it. But don't think that i'm being truthful.

Fuck the Church: I am so happy and proud to be a member of this community! The church is always so kind and helpful towards everyone regardless of religion and is totally fair and totally doesn't give people power based off status whilst ignoring the common person! It is such a powerful yet benevolent influence on our lives, we should be grateful for all it does.<3

queen of meme: wow

bedtime: that's 350 characters all right

Fuck the Church: that was painful to write.

Fuck the Church: Lysithea, truth or dare?

dxrkspikest: dare do you take me for a pussy or what

Fuck the Church: hmm, let me think.

Fuck the Church: aha, I have an idea. Balance your left shoe on your head for the rest of the game. Each time it falls off, you have to compliment Claude.

dxrkspikest: ew ok

dxrkspikest: omg i hate this already, anyw claude uh i guess you make funny jokes sometimes? guess truth or dare to u too

king of meme: lmao this is gold

king of meme: dare pls

dxrkspikest: lick yuri's ear

king of meme: sorry what

prince of meme: Lysithea, what the fuck.

king of meme: is there a forfeit annette?

babey owo: hmm... how about karaoke to a song of the darer's choice?

king of meme: ugh fine

dxrkspikest: the barbie theme tune

king of meme: oh lord here we go

princess of meme: oh my god

team mom: he's really going for it huh?

popcorn pisser: _i'm a barbie girl_

iggle piggle: _in a barbie worldddd_

jewalt senpai: _life in **plastic**_

clown of meme: _so_ _ **fantastic!**_

king of meme: hated that. anyw hilda truth or dare

queen of meme: truth gonna change it up a bit

stabby boi: pussy 

queen of meme: :(

dxrkspikest: before u begin, i guess you could have worse taste in guys claude? dimitri's nice ig

princess of meme: omg look at her hEAD

bedtime: that shoe must be uncomfortable

dxrkspikest: very

king of meme: anyways, dearest hilda, how about you tell our dear friends about your dream last night?

queen of meme: asdfghjkl NO YOU PRROMISED TO KEEP IT A SECRET

ahuhuhu: ?

King of Grappling:: Please elaborate

queen of meme: ugh fine

queen of meme: basically i was in the hospital watching holst give birth to baltie's baby

teaching 101: whatthefuck

king of meme: let her finish

queen of meme: and then the baby's out and all and the nurse (who was manuela) says 

queen of meme: 'what a beautiful baby boy'

queen of meme: and the baby

queen of meme: hsA sSETETH'S FACDE

queen of meme: adc i cant even its so funny looking back on it

Oxymoron: girl what the fuck

babey owo: that's some messed up shit right there

queen of meme: don't judge me !!

queen of meme: anyw linhardt truth or dare

bedtime: dare i suppose

queen of meme: pull an all nighter

Fuck the Church: That's called torture, Hilda.

bedtime: ugh what song should i sing

queen of meme: ugh

queen of meme sing that one sleeping song from shrek since it's on brand

bedtime: mmk fine

princess of meme: wow lin,, cannot sing huh

dxrkspikest: f

teaching 101: wait did he just fall asleep

king of meme: classic linhardt

teaching 101: true. i'll just do a truth to stop any arguments.

prince of meme: i must say i've always been curious to know how you even got this job- considering how you literally spent half of your time at the academy in detention with me.

teaching 101: aha, i remember those days. quite frankly, it's because i went to the interview as a joke and since rhea is kinda my grandmother, she gave it to me. i felt like it would've been rude to turn it down, so i just went with the flow.

popcorn pisser: i-

Oxymoron: 'went with the flow' yeah okay nice one chatterbox

teaching 101: :) yuri truth or dare

prince of meme: dare obviously

teaching 101: you have admin perms right?

prince of meme: yessir

teaching 101: change lorenz's name.

prince of meme: aaasdkdkvfdv sure teach one sec

king of meme: LMAO

dxrkspikest: what a legend. also claude you sometimes make good plans to get us out of trouble i guess

king of meme: thanks kiddo

dxrkspikest: >:(

Fuck the Church: some things never change.

prince of meme: done! lorenz is now @mayo only burger

jewalt senpai: LMAO

prince of meme: Hapi, truth or dare

Oxymoron: dare duh

prince of meme: kiss your favourite of all the people here. not on the lips, just on the cheek is fine.

Oxymoron: ew fine

Oxymoron: lysi and coco are kinda tied for my favourite

Oxymoron: but i dont think lysi wants to compliment claude again so i'll kiss coco

ahuhuhu: i-er-appreciate the sentiment! :)

dxrkspikest: lmao ty

Oxymoron: Dorothea, truth or dare?

princess of meme: truth, not in the mood to get out of my chair rn

Oxymoron: least favourite member of your house?

princess of meme: ferdinand

babey owo: damn no hesitation

popcorn pisser: saw that coming lol

popcorn pisser: that aside, why do you hate me so?

princess of meme: ur like a bee, ferdie. think on that while you do your truth/dare.

popcorn pisser: uh ok? dare?

princess of meme: get hubert to make you a cup of coffee and then chug as much as you can w/o choking

popcorn pisser: ohmygod do you want to kill me???

popcorn pisser: scratch that i know the answer

popcorn pisser: ok i'll be back in a sec he probably already has one brewed

princess of meme: mmk

Fuck the Church: for context, Hubert has his coffee incredibly bitter. The average human cannot survive a sip, let alone chugging it.

queen of meme: oh fun!!

popcorn pisser: ok here we go

popcorn pisser: eih vocifejijhenifnvrjvnrr

princess of meme: omg ferdie

princess of meme: i almost feel bad

king of meme: lmao poor thing

popcorn pisser: that was VILE. Anyways, ignatz, truth or dare?

iggle piggle: oh i guess i'll go for dare aha

popcorn pisser: draw a really shitty comic on like a napkin of lorenz stealing claude's wig and put it on his desk tomorrow morning

iggle piggle: aha okay! i'll get to that :) anyways balthus, truth or dare?

King of Grappling: well, the lionhearted King of Grappling never backs down from a challenge, so dare!

iggle piggle: uhm... go and comment 'daddy' on seteth's most recent instagram post!

popcorn pisser: omg ew icky

King of Grappling: done! 

iggle piggle: omg haha, hope that was a good dare! 

king of meme: it was ignatz lmao dont worry this is gold

King of Grappling: anyways, leonie, truth or dare?

jewalt senpai: dare obviously

queen of meme: oho i've been waiting for this moment

queen of meme: mind if i take over this one baltie?

King of Grappling: uh sure!

queen of meme: send this to captain jeralt: _[Jeralt-Senpai.png](https://imgur.com/a/wGZ8Mfk)_

king of meme: omg EWWWWWW

teaching 101: hilda why the FUCK did you have that

queen of meme: found it on a fanpage

jewalt senpai: 0-0 ok i will

queen of meme: tell us in the morning what happens! mercedes, truth or dare?

team mom: truth! :)

queen of meme: who's the most annoying blue lion to keep a watch on!

team mom: oh my, that's quite the question... i would suppose felix? he does get hurt a lot in all his fencing training...

stabby boi: ugh fine

team mom: sorry if I offended you! annie, truth or dare?

babey owo: dare >:)

team mom: cover lysithea's new minecraft house in cobwebs!

babey owo: omg yass

dxrkspikest: bitch-

dxrkspikest: btw claude uh u cool

king of meme: ty uwu 

team mom: now lysithea, be nice :(

dxrkspikest: right sorry

dxrkspikest: atleast i can get a warning lol

Fuck the Church: no more incidents, ok?

babey owo: yes edelgard

babey owo: felix truth or dare?

stabby boi: uh dare

babey owo: seven minutes in heaven, the bathroom, with sylvain.

stabby boi: oh i see

stabby boi: ok

clown of meme: uh sure? lmao

**@stabby boi <\----> @babey owo **

_29/02/20- 8:16pm_

\-----------------

babey owo: good luck!! just tell him how you feel and it'll be fine :)

stabby boi: cool ok

stabby boi: thanks for the support annette

stabby boi: you're my best friend

babey owo: awe :') you're my best friend too!!

babey owo: well aside from mercie of course!

stabby boi: yeah lmao

stabby boi: see you in 7

** @stabby boi <\----> @clown of meme **

_29/02/20- 8:17pm_

\-----------------

stabby boi: uh hey

clown of meme: fe? we're literally 5 inches apart lmao use your voice

stabby boi: can't

stabby boi: throat tightening up

clown of meme: huh???

clown of meme: are you okay? ur sweating we can leave if you tell someone ur ill

stabby boi: not ill just nervous

clown of meme: ok? why?

stabby boi: uh

stabby boi: i like you

stabby boi: a lot

clown of meme: ?

stabby boi: uh

stabby boi: by like i mean _like_

stabby boi: you always make me feel included and happy and loved

stabby boi: and you care about me all the time and uh 

stabby boi: yeah

stabby boi: you made a boy who struggles to open up fall in love with you

stabby boi: and i'm tensing up bc i'm worried bc you're gonna say no and i'm gonna feel like shit for opening up and i'm gonna ruin everything

clown of meme: felix.

stabby boi: and now i've mad eyou mad and you hate me and the next 4 minutes we're gonna be in this closet are gonna be miserable and then you're never gonna speak to me again

stabby boi: just forget i said anything 

stabby boi: sorry

clown of meme: felix. it's okay.

clown of meme: i love you too. a lot.

stabby boi: ??? really?

clown of meme: yeah.

stabby boi: no joke?

clown of meme: of course. gods, i'm flirting with you constantly, for fuck's sake

clown of meme: i'm obsessed with you fe. i love how dedicated you are to training; i love that cute little look you get on your face when you're annoyed; i love how sensitive you get when it's just us; and god i love how pretty you look in the middle of the day and you're focusing on doing your best and god

clown of meme: i just love you, felix, okay? don't you dare forget that and don't you dare talk shit like that about yourself again.

stabby boi: okay

stabby boi: thank you, sylvain

clown of meme: it's okay babe lmao

clown of meme: c'mere

stabby boi: ...

stabby boi: that was a nice hug

clown of meme: nothing but the best for my

clown of meme: uh

clown of meme: boyfriend?

stabby boi: yeah

stabby boi: your boyfriend <3

**#gayclub **

_29/02/20- 8:21_ _pm_

_\-----------------_

clown of meme: i have news

king of meme: ?

clown of meme: ingrid is officially the only single one in this channel

queen of meme: o^o

princess of meme: ahhhh Sylvain well done!!!!

Galatea_Riding: shscydcndjfdnifdnif df idf you're dating felix???

clown of meme: yep

clown of meme: i'm dating felix

cinnamon roll: sqhucuhcwhdc FINALLY OMG

short king mama ayy: y'alls took your time smh

clown of meme: sorry :o

**@stabby boi <\----> @babey owo **

_29/02/20- 8:21_ _pm_

\-----------------

stabby boi: it worked

stabby boi: it fucking worked

babey owo: ashbbbibiyubveduobfoufub finally!!!!!

stabby boi: :)

babey owo: i'm so proud of you feefee!

babey owo: on other notes, do you want me to leave you in there a little longer

stabby boi: yes please

stabby boi: we're gonna need the time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dude kin sylvain... ugh
> 
> at first i said that there'd be more frequent updates, but i lied lmao I've been getting so busy it's insane  
> for anyone rereading whilst this is the last chapter, at this moment chapter 10 is only about 35% done (30/6/20)  
> (also fun fact: felix has 72 lines in this chapter. yeah, that's a lot.)
> 
> UPDATE: 1/12/20
> 
> I AM SO SORRY IM FINISHING THE NEXT CHAPTER RN I FORGOT ABOUT THIS FIC 😭😭😭

**Author's Note:**

> :))))  
> this is mostly just a fic that I can use as an elaborate shitpost  
> I'm making this up as I go along so we'll see where that takes us  
> (future chapters should be longer)


End file.
